Given the lackluster response and general grousing over the 'No Child Left Behind' program, education secretary Margaret Spellings has announced a provocative new initiative that not only clarifies the goals of the program, but will also hopefully act as a motivating factor for the nations fifty-seven million public school students. The new program is to be called 'Don't Get Left Behind' (DGLB) and will emphasize the message that those who fall behind in their school work will quickly find their lives going down the crapper.

The first public service announcement, which features 1980's television star Mr. T, has already begun playing in several markets around the country. In it, the mohawked ruffian with a heart of gold speaks to a group of children at a playground.

"Hey little children," he tells them, "don't be acting like some kinda suckas. You fall behind in school, you gonna be behind all your life - behind bars, behind the counter in some fast food restaurant, and behind the eight ball for the rest of time immortal. That's crazy. Look at little Jimmy, Jamal, and Carrie here. They already locked up in a cage, just wishin' they could get out. Learn to read, I tell them, but no, they too smart for their britches and won't listen to the big man. Look at em grinnin' like some kinda damn fools. Cause they are fools. Come on little Patty, Ben, and Flipper, we gonna get some ice cream. It's time for those other suckas to get back to work makin' wheelbarrow accessories."


2005, Mark Hoback