Former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld broke his weeks long silence this morning when he appeared on NBS's Today Show to verbally bitchslap aging presidential contender John McCain.

"John McCain is like Joe Biden with less brains and more spunk," Rumsfeld told host Matt Lauer. "Plenty of spunk. A lot of people like spunk in their old men. You know, my last few years as Defense Secretary, you could rightfully claim that I was not firing on all cylinders, but that didn't matter to a lot of folks because they would look at me and say 'that man sure has spunk'. Was that a good thing? Possibly not.  I'll be the first to say that perhaps it's all for the greater good that I've decided to lay down my rucksack and devote the rest of my life to the art of cinema. It's time for Senator McCain to lay down his rucksack too, before his mouth writes a check that his body can't cash."

Lauer asked Rumsfeld if he had any Oscar picks that he would like to share, but Rumsfeld deferred. "No, Matt, I came in today for one reason and one reason only - to tell John McCain to shut his big fucking mouth before I have to come over there and shut it for him."

"So I'm the worst Secretary of Defense ever, am I? Well just what the hell does that make you for not trying to do anything about it, Mister Independence? Huh? Huh? You big pussy. Think that I was too old for the job? You should talk. You're so old that your social security number only has Roman numerals... wait, you're so old that your birthday has, uh... You're old! And you don't know about cinema!"

During the break, Lauer was able to calm Rumsfeld down. The former Defense Secretary came back to predict that 'The Departed' would take best picture, and Forrest Whitaker best actor, but "in a shift which nobody has foreseen, Judy Dench will wrest the best actress award away from Helen Mirren. And there will be hell to pay."


2007, Mark Hoback