Bush to Nominate Dozens of New Judges

From today's Washington Post, we learn that President Bush is ready to send a brand spanking new batch of judges over to Capitol Hill, for what he hopes will be "a speedy, up or down confirmation, just like the Democrats promised." Harry Reid, speaking for his party, said that while he didn't remember saying anything of the sort, he would certainly check into it.

Although Bush has not yet mentioned any names, we were able to get a tentative list of nominees from our friend Gloria, who takes care of the Xerox machines at the Justice Department. While the majority of the nominees are from small courts, and are little known outside of their jurisdictions, there are a couple of red flags, such as Judge Timothy Ellender of Louisiana, who only recently returned to the bench following a six month suspension for wearing black-face and prison garb to a Halloween party, and Oklahoma Judge Donald Thompson who was briefly suspended for using a penis pump during jury trials. More striking was the number of celebrity judges who managed to make their way on to list. For example, Judge Marilyn Milian (pictured above), often described as 'the hottest judge on television', is leading the list, and is expected to be easily confirmed. Other high profile judges include the following.

Judge Andrew Napolitano, Fox News crack legal analyst and author of the best selling book 'Constitutional Chaos' is expected to be a tough sell to congress due to his stances on such issues as lowering the death penalty to twelve, and abolition of all existing anti-trust laws. Joe Biden tells us, "We're going to look pretty closely at the transcripts where he sat in for Bill O'Reilly."

Judge Judy may be the most recognizable name on this list, owing to her popularity for sticking up for the 'little guy'. Many conservative have questioned her nomination due to this fact, but the White House has sent assurance that "she likes the little man more in theory than in fact". Her favorite color is rumored to be yellow.

Judge Parker has been called two-dimensional by a number of his opponents, a charge which the White House vehemently denies. "The liberals just don't get it," a spokesman told us. "They really hate the idea of a strict constitutionalist who is able to see the world as it really is - black and white. Parker is 87, but still in good health.

Judge Manuel Franco, who presides over La Corte Del Pueblo, is the only Hispanic nominee of the group, and is expected to be easily confirmed. He is a proponent of tough but fair immigration policy, and is known as a strong ally of agrobusiness.

Judge Mablean Ephriam has made a name for herself in the field of marital law, and has been vocal on a number of occasions about the need for personal responsibility. She is a strong supporter of President Bush's plan to make divorce more difficult to obtain unless "there's just no dang way y'all gonna get along".

Judge Larry Joe Doherty is a personal friend of the president's, dating back to his days on the Houston Circuit Court. He is a proponent of what he calls 'Texas Justice', which he describes as a mixture of fair-mindedness and straight shooting. A folksy man who makes friends easily, he is known to take no crap lying down.


2005, Mark Hoback