After the U.S. military invaded Afghanistan to oust its Taliban rulers, authorities found a locker full of applications to join al Qaeda's holy war overseas. Among the alleged applicants: Josť Padilla, the former ''enemy combatant'' who once lived in Broward County. - Jay Weaver at Miami Herald
 

Dear Mr. Padilla,

Thank you so very much for your interest in the al-Qaeda network. We are always in search of quality recruits, and look forward to the opportunity of learning more about you in the coming weeks and months. In the next week to ten days, you will be receiving our complete application package. Please return it at your convenience.

Sincerely,

Ahem par-Donmi
al-Qaeda, HR Dept.

 

Dear Mr. Padilla,

Thank you very much for the prompt return of your application packet for al-Qaeda employment. I have forwarded it to our personnel office for evaluation and ranking.

Perhaps you somehow missed the note on the cover letter which said that we needed copies of all school transcripts. I tell you in all sincerity that al-Qaeda takes great pride in recruiting only the finest terrorists in the world, and education is a key component in this process.

Sincerely,

Ahem par-Donmi
al-Qaeda, HR Dept.

p.s. - Although we do try to gear our assignments to our employees' desires, I regret to inform you that we have operations based in neither Cancun or Cozumel. Perhaps we could arrange for you to meet with our Mexico City cell if your transcripts show enough promise with Spanish.

 

Dear Mr. Padilla,

You do raise a good point when you mention that having been locked up in juvenile detention so frequently, "of course i ain't got no fucking high school transcript". Thank you for sending us your police record in lieu of the requested document. It is quite impressive, and does support your claim to have experience in wide range of areas. One question, if you don't mind - were there ever any crimes that you were not caught at? I'm sure there must have been plenty.

Even though your name is Jose, we did not initially realize that you were Hispanic, since you had listed Chicago as your home town. Well, that answers our question about speaking Spanish. Am I to understand that you speak some English as well? That would certainly be a plus.

We will be back in touch with you after we have completed contacting your references.

Sincerely,
Ahem par-Donmi
al-Qaeda, HR Dept.

p.s. - Do not concern yourself over your inability to grow a beard. It is not mandatory, and should you ever need one for a mission, you will soon learn why al-Qaeda's own Abu Fukowi  is known as 'master of disguises'.

 

Dear Jose,

Congratulations on your selection to the newest group of al-Qaeda recruits. We are very proud to welcome you aboard. Within the next two weeks you will be receiving Afghan travel information, your al-Qaeda pocket manual, a variety of study guides, and a quick easy take-at-home test, which will help us determine what functional area you best fit in.

Once again, congratulations. I look forward to personally meeting you at the summer banquet.

Praise Allah

Osama bin Laden
al-Qaeda, CEO

 

 

©2006, Mark Hoback