President Set to Nominate Mason for Supremes

President Bush has surprised supporters and critics alike with his nomination of Perry Mason for the Supreme Court.

"I, uh... I don't know what to think," said Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, scratching his head as he walked up the steps of the Capitol. "Oh, man, I got a tick on my scalp last weekend, and it still itches. Anyway, this guy Mason... Well, he's never been a federal judge, or any kind of judge, so it's hard to know how he might rule on a lot of major issues. But I'm sure the president and his advisors have thoroughly thought this out, so unless there's a hidden bombshell, he'll have my vote."

Senator Mike Crapo of Idaho, who was also on the short list for the nomination, was clearly disappointed by the choice. "A trial lawyer. Bush goes and picks a fucking trial lawyer for the job. What sort of message does that send to the people who think that goddam trial lawyers are on the same level as bedbugs. Ah, crap. Put me down as disgusted. Still, I guess he's got my vote."

Majority Leader Tom DeLay accused Crapo of being "full of sour grapes, like some awful Greek pie. But more to the point, Mason is a great lawyer, and I'm sure that he'll make a great judge. He's witty, urbane, and he's the president's choice. That's good enough for me."

"This is an absurd nomination," said Senator Hillary Clinton. "May I just point out that Perry Mason isn't even a real person. He's a television character played by Raymond Burr. And may I further point out that Raymond Burr is dead."

"Dead, yes," said Presidential spokesman Scott McClellan, "but he still lives on in our hearts. He never lost a case, and the president is banking on him not losing this one. The American people are sick of the sort of obstructionism represented by Ms. Clinton's remarks, and are sure to react at the ballot box if they can't get a simple up or down vote on this nominee."


2005, Mark Hoback