Weekly Radio Address From President Bush 8/20/05
"In a few weeks, our country will mark the four-year anniversary of the attacks of Sept. 11, 2001. On that day, we learned that vast oceans and friendly neighbors no longer protect us from those who wish to harm our people. And since that day, we have taken the fight to the enemy."
"We have combated terrorists on the home front by disrupting terror cells and their financial support networks. We're fighting the terrorists in Afghanistan, Iraq, and around the world, striking them in foreign lands before they can attack us here at home... Hello. Hello. Is this thing on? Damn it..."
"My fellow Americans, it has come to my attention that nobody listens to my weekly radio address. Nobody at all. As a matter of fact, a number of radio programmers have told me that I'm actually getting negative ratings, meaning when my address comes on people switch the station. Well, no more of that nonsense. Next week the ratings are going to be through the roof, because they're going to find out they missed the best half hour in radio history. Isn't that right, Em?"
"That's right, Mister President. Everyone's missing a piece of broadcasting history. Did you mention the fact that no recordings are being made of this historical half hour?"
"No I didn't Em, but you're dead on it. I guess anybody who's not tuned in is just a motherfuckin' sucka. Isn't that the way you'd put it, homeboy?"
"Mmm, something like that."
"Em, you is an example of what a young person can do these days through hard work and determination. I gotta thank you for all the money you've personally put into the economy through your efforts. I guess it's nice to see a lot more of it left in your hands thanks to my program of tax relief. And nice to know, too, that if you should kick off tomorrow, the governments not going to be coming after your little girl, trying to take half your estate."
"Now Em, what's this I hear about you having some sort of drug problem or another? That can't be a good message for the kids."
"Well, W, I..."
"Don't call me W, Em."
"Sorry. It's just prescription sleeping pills, Mister President. You know I've been pulling out all the stops on the Anger Management Tour, and, you know, you do the show, you get all wired and can't fall asleep, and so it... I don't know. I screwed up."
"We all do sometimes, Em, we all do. In the future I suggest riding a bike to burn off some of that excess energy. Okay, Em is going to be back to rap us out of here at the bottom of the hour, dropping his new jam 'Peace Bomb', along with my nigga 50."
"Coming up we've got actor Johnny Depp who's gonna tell us about blowing Hunter Thompson out of a canon - that story is gonna have you in stitches - and David Letterman will be reading his list of the top ten funniest things about Teddy Kennedy. But first, it's a little known fact that the Beatles attempted a reunion back in 1972, meeting in the studio to try to 'work it out'. The White House has obtained an exclusive copy of the one song they completed, and boy is it a humdinger. Too bad if you're not listening cause we're gonna burn the tape after the show. So now, put on your listening cap and get ready to rock. Hit it, boys."
©2005, Mark Hoback