Army to Miss Recruitment Goals

The newest Army recruitment poster

Lt. Gen. Franklin L. Hagenbeck, speaking to the House Armed Services Committee, has admitted that the Army will fall short of it's recruitment goals this year. He blames the threefold effect of an improving economy, competition from private industry and a growing number of parents who are not supportive of military service under the current administration.

"Bush has really hosed it up for us," Hagenbeck told FGAQ in a phone interview yesterday. "I mean, he's just done too good of a job in revitalizing the economy. Everything is buzzing along, and the financial incentives just aren't as tempting as they used to be. A couple of years ago we could offer a $20,000 signing bonus, and 'Katie bar the door'. Nowadays, unfortunately, they get a bigger bonus than that just by signing on as a stock boy at Wal-Mart. Man, sometimes I hate private industry."

Hagenbeck told us that his efforts at obtaining increased monetary incentives has gone unrewarded. "I proposed that we pay new recruits the same as members of congress, and I nearly got hooted out of the House. What's up with that? You're telling me a good infantryman isn't worth as much as Rick Santorum? I'm not buying that."

"Now the issue about the parents, that's just deplorable. But it's not surprising that the generation of dope-smoking pacifists would be hesitant to send their little darlings off to defend the country. What bullshit. So we're using a trick out of their own playbook - the generation gap. We've got a couple new ads ready to roll. One is your basic reverse psychology ad - 'Oh, so your parents don't want you to join the army. We probably wouldn't take you anyway, you big pussy'. That one tests really well, particularly in the mid-west. And then there's my personal favorite - 'Don't trust anyone over thirty, unless they're wearing a uniform'.


2005, Mark Hoback