Rehnquist To Step Down 'Real Soon'

Administration officials are expressing renewed concern over the possibility that if he is not quickly put some place safe, Chief Justice William H. Rehnquist "just might have another one of his accidents or something."

Mr. [Unnamed Source] from the Department of Homeland Security told us that President Bush continued to be 'very, very concerned' about the health and well being of Rehnquist. "He would just hate to face two vacancies on the court at the same time, what with his opposition backed up into a corner and all; I mean, whatever would he do? I guess he would just try and give America the sort of judges they deserve. He's like that, our president."

"There's a story - I don't know if you've heard this one before, but there's a story about his dad going down to the Crawford ranch about three years ago, while the president was taking a brief respite from the war on terror. They were sitting outside eating Texas style barbeque - chicken and ribs - that they had cooked up themselves. The sun was going down, and there wasn't anybody else around except for the secret service agents assigned to take care of the mosquitoes. The two got to talking about Iraq, and I guess old Bush Sr. might have had a few drinks, cause the two of them got louder and louder until suddenly there was a clatter and the platter went tumbling off the table onto a big Texas Turdweed."

"Both of them look aghast for a moment, all those delicious ribs gone to waste, but then they broke out laughing and slapping each others backs. They were over it, just like that. Then little George goes back up to the grill to get some more grub, and there's nothing left but a chicken thigh and one polish sausage. So he asks his father, 'What would you like, dad?' And George Sr. just grins at him and says, 'Nope, son. You're in charge now. What would you like?' So little George takes them both, and the last little bit of baked beans as well. But the important thing is, he did ask."

In fact, we had heard that story before, and so politely sent Mr. Source on his way. Still, in light of other recent mishaps, such as his recent narrow escape from a runaway car, we do feel that perhaps Justice Rehnquist is feeling that now is the time for him to step down.

We spoke to Vegas odds-maker Louie Arpege, who gave us 3-1 on it. "Oh yeah. No doubt, no doubt. He'll be gone by the end of next week. I gotta tip, from his bodyguard or something. The guy is jinxed, and needs to go someplace safe. And there's no place safer than retirement."


2005, Mark Hoback