Rehnquist Leaps from Path of Driverless Car

Chief Justice William H. Rehnquist cheated death once again today when he dodged a deadly runaway Cadillac which was careening backwards towards him as he departed for his morning walk. "Jeez, that was a close one," he said moments later. "Good thing I can still do an acceptable duck and roll."

This is the third bizarre accident that has come close to permanently retiring the Chief Justice since the infamous May 13th piano drop. Rehnquist was not injured in that incident, but his valet was flattened.

President Bush was so concerned about the piano incident that he assigned his top secret service agent to personally protect the eighty year old justice. The agent, who has been with the Secret Service for over twenty years, is known only under his code name, 'Mister Henry'.

"You've got to be ever vigilante," Henry told us. "Obviously I was not being vigilante enough in this case. I spotted a quarter in the street, and told Billy I would race him for it. Given the man's competitive nature, that was a mistake, runaway vehicle or no runaway vehicle."

This is not the only controversial situation that Mister Henry has been involved in since he began guarding Rehnquist. Two weeks ago the chief justice somehow locked himself into the sauna of his Arlington, Virginia home. With the temperature set at over 140 degrees, Rehnquist was able to free himself only after breaking his watch and using one of the springs inside to pick the lock. Henry, who was outside at the time looking for prowlers, admits that he heard shouts from the sauna, but thought that they were coming from 'the television.

"The old man turns it up loud, okay? And besides, what am I supposed to do? The guy was naked in there, for Christ's sake. Give the man a little dignity."


2005, Mark Hoback