New White House spokesman Charlie Kaufman held his second press briefing in as many days, telling reporters that it no longer matters if Iraqi's vote in droves. Or dribs. Or even drabs. The important thing, he said, "is the process."
"It's like that weapons of mass destruction nonsense that we discussed yesterday. It's not so much that we forgot to tell you that we were no longer searching, it's just that the whole search had become a loose plot line that everybody has lost interest in. It's like Jar Jar Brinks. Look, it's been absorbed already. What, you want us to be redundant? Everybody, or at least the majority of Americans, know that fighting evil is job number one, and when we look at Iraq, we're looking at a country that's just chock full of evil. So if we tear the bejeezus out of it, which in fact we have, I think you just have to say, bully for us. And thank you all for saying that."
"Now, as regards the upcoming Iraqi elections, I would really encourage people not to focus on the number of voters, which in and of itself doesn't have any meaning. None at all. You want meaning, perhaps you should rent a copy of 'Maria Full of Grace', which for my money had more meaning than any other motion picture of the past few months. Or even my latest, 'Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind' which is rife with meaning. But number of voters? I don't think so. The important thing is to look at the outcome, which will be a brand spanking new government. And we helped, big time. That in itself is an enormous achievement and we all encourage everybody to view it in that way. We're talking a lot of good cinema in the upcoming years."
"I'm sure you all remember the scene in 'Memento' where Natalie provokes Leonard into violence, knowing he won't remember it moments later. She just sits in the car for a few minutes before coming back inside and giving him a totally restructured chronology of events. That's quite instructive, because that's what we've learned to do with all of you guys. Alright, granted, a few of you may try to call us hypocritical or incomprehensible in our actions and statements, but we know that most of you are going to write the new truth as we give it to you. Some of you, bless your hearts, are even going to write about the administration's remarkable candor. And we thank you for that."
©2005, Mark Hoback