Roberts Signals New Direction For High Court

Now that John G Roberts has been sworn in as the 17th Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, there is rampant speculation on how he may change the course of the court in the months and years to come. Roberts took a few minutes this morning to sit down with FGAQ and discuss the shifts that we may see.

FGAQ: Justice Roberts, do you have an agenda that you plan on working towards implementing at the SCOTUS?

Roberts: Uh, scotus... I'm not sure what you mean.

FGAQ: Sorry, sir. That's journalistic shorthand for the Supreme Court of the United States.

Roberts: Oh, ha ha. I've got to remember that. It is a little less of a mouthful, isn't it... No, I wouldn't say that I really have an agenda.

FGAQ: No particular direction that you'd like to move the court in?

Roberts: Well, you know, I'm the new guy here, and I've got a stiff learning curb in front of me. I was only a judge for a couple of years, and now here I am, in charge of the whole shebang.

FGAQ: There must be certain issues that you want to focus on...

Roberts: Specific issues. Not really... well, maybe baseball issues. Those guys are paid an enormous amount just to whack a ball around. So I'll be right up front - there had better not be any talk of a baseball strike while John Roberts is in charge. Other than that, I just really like the Constitution, the Bill of Rights, all that stuff, and I support it.

FGAQ: A lot of people have expressed concern about your opinion of Rowe vs. Wade.

Roberts: The abortion thing? My opinion is that abortion is downright icky, that's what I think. But should it be legal and protected by the law? That's an interesting question. And one I've never really thought about, so I'm afraid I can't give you a very good answer. I just hope that it never comes before the court. If it does, I'm really going to have to read up on it.

FGAQ: The president never asked you about it?

Roberts: Bush? Oh, no, never came up. He didn't really ask me much about legal issue, other than... well, we both have that interest in baseball, so he was pretty happy with my take on that. I think my 'no strike' policy was my ace in the hole for this job. Other than that, he wanted to know about my exercise regime, and, uh, my body fat ratio.

FGAQ: And that's...

Roberts: I'm at about 8%. The president was impressed.

FGAQ: Are there any changes in the day to day activity of the court that you would like to see.

Roberts: There sure are. First of all, I'd like to see us get some funkier outfits.

FGAQ: Ha ha ha ha. You're a personable guy.

Roberts: Ha ha ha ha. I sure am.

FGAQ: Wanna drink?

Roberts: Scotch would be fine. Neat... Seriously, one thing I'd like to change about the court is their work hours. You know, in Washington, everybody is working these seventy and eighty hour weeks... except for the president...

FGAQ: Ha ha ha ha.

Roberts: Ha ha ha ha... But the Supreme Court, they're barely working half of the year, and the days they do work, it's just for a few hours and then back to the sack. They're going to have to shape up.

FGAQ: Seriously.

Roberts: You bet. More hours means more cases, and more cases means more justice. And I'm raring to go.

FGAQ: Thanks, Justice Roberts.

Roberts: No, thank you.

 

2005, Mark Hoback