Oh hell, Karl, I don't wanna have to go to Scotland this week... It's my birthday tomorrow, and besides, this was supposed to be Judge Week.

Now settle down, Mister President. You simply have to go to the Group of Eight summit. Damn nuisance, I know, but it's got to be done. We can have Judge Week next week.

Yeah, whatever... Let me ask you something, Karl. What the hell do you think Canada is doing in the G8? Why not China or Australia? Why Canada?

I'm sure I couldn't tell you, George. I never try to make sense of these things. My expertise lies in the field of domestic servitude and policy.

Yeah, and you're about the best policy butler I know. You got my ties all packed?

Yes sir, the blue one, the light blue one, the Scottish plaid one, and the other blue one. And of course that piece of crap tie that you've got on now.

It's a power tie, Karl. Sometimes the president has to wear red. That's the way of the world.

Well, I'll always contend that blue is your color. Now quick, before the helicopter gets here, let's go over a few things. What do you say if the other guys want to talk about global warming? Because you know that's going to come up.

I say, looks like a significant issue, facts still uncertain, blah blah blah, won't do anything that could threaten US economy, blah blah blah. I know all that crap, and what's more, you've been avoiding something with me, Karl. Did you out that Plume girl? Cause I've been hearing rumors.

It's Plame, sir, and no, I've never heard of her.

Liar liar pants on fire! You have too heard of her! Now tell me the truth - did you tell reporters that she was a CIA operative or not?

Ah, George, you know the drill - ask me no questions and I'll tell you no lies.

You would lie to the president? Don't make me open up a can of whup-ass on you.

I would most certainly not lie! It's just a figure of speech, like a stitch in time saves nine.

Nine what?

Nine stitches.

Owww. That reminds me of the time when I fell off my bike and had those stitches in my knee. That was more than nine. I think closer to fifteen.

Seventeen to be exact. That was quite the boo boo. Oh look, here comes your helicopter, right on time.

What the hell have they done to Marine One?

Happy birthday, George! Surprise! I had them paint Marine One baby blue for you!

Whoa! That is one sharp looking copter!

Yeah. I put in a new sound system, too.

You're too good to me, Karl. But I wanna get back to what we were talking about...

Stalking about? Who's stalking about? I can't hardly hear you for the copter blades.

Valerie Plame. What about Valerie Plame?

Val Kilmer's lame? Yes sir, I've got to agree with you on that. The last thing I saw him in was 'Alexander'. Of course the whole cast blew in that picture. But 'Mindhunters' before that? What a stinkeroo. Okay, buddy, have a good trip, don't eat too much haggis, and we'll talk when you get back. And don't forget - next week is going to be Judge Week.


2005, Mark Hoback