"My eyes have seen the glory! I gaze upon your face, O Lord, and feel the touch of your infinite grace! How cool it is to be in Heaven!"
"That's all well and good, Mister Rumsfeld, but I'm sorry to tell you that you're not in Heaven."
"Not in Heaven? Damn it, man. Oh well, Satan, I've faced adversity before, so go ahead and bring it on. I can take it."
"My name is not Satan, Mister Rumsfeld, it's Bernie. And you're not in Hell, you're in Salt Lake City."
"Good grief, Bernie, what on earth am I doing all the way out here in the Beehive State?"
"You're here to speak to the American Legion convention, Mister Rumsfeld, and I'm here to drive you."
"Oh... Well, that's considerably less dramatic than what I initially imagined. Tell me Mister, uh, Bernie, would you happen to know what I'm here to talk about?"
"Not specifically, Mister Rumsfeld, but what with you being the Secretary of Defense, I'm guessing it has something to do with the military and defense."
"Defense. Right you are. Defense against an invisible enemy that wears no uniform and cannot be reasoned with. Huh. I think that those who want to back down in the war on terror are quite similar to those who wished to negotiate with Hitler, don't you Bernie?"
"I couldn't say, Mister Rumsfeld. I wasn't very good in history."
"Well I was, Bernie. I offer that analogy because, once again, we face similar challenges in efforts to confront the rising threat of a new type of fascism. But there are those who seem not to have learned history's lessons. Isn't that right, Bernie?"
"I'd have to say that I haven't really thought much about it, Mister Rumsfeld, so I can't give you an intelligent answer."
"Truth be told, Bernie, you're kind of bringing me down. Here's fifty bucks for you, and all I want in return is a little positive feedback. Now answer me this. Can we truly afford to believe that, somehow or some way, vicious extremists could be appeased?"
"Hell no, Mister Rumsfeld, we surely can't afford that."
"Right you are, Bernie. The struggle we are in is too important - the consequences too severe - to have the luxury of returning to the 'blame America first' mentality. Can we truly afford to return to the destructive view that America - not the enemy - is the real source of the world's troubles?"
"I guess a man would have to be half crazy to return to a destructive world view like that, Mister Rumsfeld."
"Half crazy? He'd have to be totally crazy, Bernie. Can folks really continue to think that free countries can negotiate a separate peace with terrorists?"
"They sure can't, Mister Rumsfeld. Here we go, the Convention Center."
"Thank you, Bernie, you are quite the intelligent fellow. And if you'd ever be interested in working for the Defense Department, I'd be willing to pull a few strings."