Rumsfeld 'Only Slightly Hung Over'

Rumsfeld smiles, realizing the bill will be picked up by taxpayers

U.S. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld stated this morning that he had 'absolutely no intention, not even an infinitesimally small one', of retiring from his job. 

"Those reports have been flying around since about four months after I assumed my post in 2001," said Rumsfeld. "Could I keel right over? Possibly. Could I become deranged in such a manner that I could no longer effectively carry out my duties? Well, I'm not getting any younger, and that's an undeniable fact. But aside from a slight hangover, I'm feeling fit as a fiddle. I can still do the Antler Dance, I can still solve a Rubik's cube in under three minutes, and I've got a snazzy way of committing the troops. It's no phony commitment, it's the real thing. You go eat your dinner, eat your pork and beans, I can eat more chicken than any man you seen. Yeah! Good God, Joe, hit me up with another Mimosa!"

Speculation regarding Rumsfeld's retirement reached a new level of intensity following yesterday's brunch with senator Joe Lieberman, a man frequently mentioned as a possible Rumsfeld replacement. The senator denies that the matter was discussed.

"Oh my goodness, no," said Lieberman. "I had just returned from Iraq, and the Secretary was understandably interested in hearing my reports about all the progress taking place over there. The fact is, Rummy and I share a common interest - breakfast. It's the most important meal of the day, you know. After hours and hours of not eating, your body physically needs that nourishment to keep you on your toes and ready to go. And for most people, their blood has totally lost all of it's vital alcohol content. Give me a bagel, a nice stack of flapjacks, some hash browns, a little salmon, and a couple Bloody Marys, and I'm ready to set the world on fire."

"Yo, Joe, where's that Mimosa?"

"Just a minute, Don. Unlike myself, the Secretary is not a Bloody Mary lover. He's definitely a Mimosa man. He can really pound them down with remarkable enthusiasm. And just between you, me, and the lamp-post, he really can eat more chicken than any man you seen."


2005, Mark Hoback