President Set to Endorse Gay Rollback Act

Senator Rick Santorum, sponsor of the rollback act

On Monday, President Bush will host a Rose Garden gathering (complete with blackberry tea and miniature hand-cut cucumber sandwiches) of  like-minded conservatives, to promote a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage. In doing so he sets another historical marker, becoming the first president ever to back an amendment designed to bring discrimination back into the Constitution. At this time, he also plans to endorse a new bill being sponsored by Ohio Senator Rick Santorum. The aptly named measure, known as the 'Homosexual Rollback Act of 2006', seeks to roll back homosexual behavior to it's pre-1980 level.

"The nation is not quite ready to consider a measure to completely outlaw sodomites," explained Santorum. "But that doesn't mean that we should all be content with the status quo."

The bill proposes a phased approach to rolling back the gay agenda. The first two years, known as 'the warning period', would be devoted to cleansing public school curriculums and government programs of any non-snickering mention of homosexuality. During this period, gays and lesbians would have all the legal protections they currently enjoy, such as the right to continue calling themselves gays and lesbians.

After the initial two years, new laws would kick in to help strengthen the rights of the majority of Americans, such as the right to not rent to those whose lifestyles they find morally repugnant, and the right to not have to hire some fruit who's going to have the rest of your employees engaged in endless chit-chat by the water cooler.

"It's not a bill without a heart," says Santorum. "But you have to ask yourself, why should customers at Ruby Tuesdays be forced to put up with the presence of sodomites, when there are plenty of perfectly good gay bars in the inner city?"

President Bush has already spoken enthusiastically about the bill. "I see a day in the not too distant future when homosexuality will return to it's Carter-era level, where bath houses once again flourish, and the disco floors are once again full, with the rest of the world pretty much off limits unless you are on your very best behavior. Many Americans long for a day when faggots return to their 1950s level of secrecy, rumor, and innuendo. I, too, share that dream, but that will be the mission of a future president, after my time in office has passed. But al least Americans will be able to look back and say, 'George W Bush, he really got the ball rolling."


2006, Mark Hoback