Following is the full transcript of remarks that President Bush and German Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder made to the press following their conference in Mayonnaise, Germany, on Wednesday.

SCHROEDER : Thank you, thank you very much, indeed, ladies and gentlemen. I'm very, very pleased, indeed, about this opportunity of welcoming President Bush and his excellent wife, Laura, here in Germany. I think Mayonnaise is an excellent venue for this meeting.

We had a very, very intense discussion and we covered each and every subject that is a high-ranking one on the international political agenda today. We used flash cards, and spoke very, very rapidly.

Now, before I go into any kind of detail, let me begin by...

BUSH: Is that a German name?


BUSH: Gerhardt. Is Gerhardt a German name, or is just a fancy pants variation on Gary?

SCHROEDER: It's German Mister President. It means 'noble of heart'.

BUSH: Well, I'm just gonna call you Gary.

SCHROEDER: As you wish. As I was starting to say, we wish to share with you that we find it very important, sir, that you take note of one aspect that is important for both of us...

BUSH: Huh?

SCHROEDER: We also talked about climate problems that we have worldwide, and this is an area where we also need a solution.

BUSH: Climate's really nice here in your country. I don't see where you've got a whole lot to complain about.

SCHROEDER: Please! You'll get your turn to talk in a minute. You know we have different, or used to have different opinions about how to go about these things. The Kyoto Protocol was not appreciated by everybody, and that is something that has continued to exist...

BUSH: That was one dumb-ass treaty, Gary, and I think you were a bozo to sign it.

SCHROEDER: We think that there could be room for maneuver...

BUSH: Read my lips, as my daddy used to say before he went on to embarrass himself. No maneuvering room. Next topic.

SCHROEDER: Well, we obviously talked about Iraq, as well...

BUSH: Obviously.

SCHROEDER:  ...and here, especially, we talked about what the perspective can be for the future. Now, nobody wants to conceal that we had different opinions about these things in the past...

BUSH: And yours was wrong.

SCHROEDER: ...but that is the past, as I just said. And now our joint interest is that we come to a stable, democratic Iraq. Germany was certainly involved when it was about waiving debt for Iraq...

BUSH: Big whoop. Biiiggg whoop.

SCHROEDER: Well, just what the hell do you expect? You know that at the time we addressed this subject in New York. We have committed ourselves, and it was a success.

BUSH: Oh, sure

SCHROEDER: We would like to see a situation where Iraq can use its financial scope for reconstruction and doesn't have to use the money on debt servicing. And what the Paris Club achieved was, I think, a great achievement.

BUSH: The Paris Club?! I've never even heard of the Paris Club.

SCHROEDER: It's a very nice club. I think you'd like it. And they took the initiative of donating all the profits from their Tuesday margarita night for two months to your Iraq fiasco.

BUSH: Really? That's real nice of them. If you would, Gary, I'd like you to pick up the pace, so I can get a chance to talk here. Say a few words about Iran.

SCHROEDER: We absolutely agree that Iran must say no to any kind of nuclear weapon, full stop. That is...

BUSH: Well put, Schredo, now give me the stage. Thank you very much for your long-winded hospitality. Laura and I are looking forward to eating lunch with you and Doris. I understand she fixed ribs. And we're so honored that you would greet us here in your beautiful country. I am -- it's obvious that my -- it's -- an obvious decision was to come here on my first trip since my inauguration. You know, I was elected by a landslide, so I really didn't need to go anywhere, but here I am. After all, Europe is America's closest ally, not that we are really hurtin for allies. 

First, I do want to say how much I appreciated Minister Schily coming to Washington, D.C. I had a good visit with the Schilster, as did other people in my administration, but I've got to ask you, just what kind of a minister is he? I asked him if they had God in Germany, but all he wanted to do was talk politics.

Secondly, I appreciated your kind words about Iraq, and the Paris Club, and the need for us to put past differences behind us and...

SCHROEDER: I never said any such...

BUSH: Quiet. It's my turn to talk. After all, over 8 million people said, we want to be free. Sure wish there was some powerful nation that could come over and whack the shit out of our country. And there we were, and now they voted. I want to thank you for your contributions, such as they were. I fully understand the limitations of German contributions. However the contributions that Gerhard Schredo talked about are not limited, they're important. It's a paradox.

We spent a lot of time talking about the Middle East, but I don't remember the details, so I'm not going to get into it until I see the transcripts. As I said in my State of the Union, I believe a settlement on this important issue is within reach. I said that because I believe it. And I believe that because I said it.

We spent time talking about Iran, and I want to thank Gary for agreeing with everything I said. That's important in an ally.  It's vital that the Iranians hear the world speak with one voice - mine. You know, yesterday I was asked about the U.S. position, and I said the book is on the table.

Schredo taught me a phrase in German this morning. 'Es gibt Fische in meinen Hosen'. It's a phrase often used by the simple people of your land to express optimism for a brighter tomorow. 'Es gibt Fische in meinen Hosen'. There is a fish in my pants. A man with a fish in his pants does not seek violence with his neighbors. A man with a fish in his pants knows that each new day is a day of promise, a day where hope speeds all cars on life's Autobahn, a Friday. Now let's go eat some ribs.



2005, Mark Hoback