You know what an ear of corn can do to a man? It's not pretty, let me assure you that.

I'm pig-bitin' mad, and I don't mind admitting it. There are those who say that the office of the presidency has grown too powerful, that congress needs to step in and implement new checks and balances. To these people I say simply 'you're wrong'. Don't tick me off, Jack, I'm a wild man and I will cut you.

When the president tells you something, you better listen up and try to understand. And if that's too difficult of a chore for you, then maybe you better just keep your mouth shut. It's not like I don't expect or anticipate a little dialogue. Dialogue can be a good thing as long as it doesn't wander into the negative territory of disagreement. See, the terrorists love to see people disagree with the president. They point to that as a sign of victory. This is America. You have the freedom to disagree with what I say or what I do. But freedom is not a license to run your mouth.

There is a vile trend that's been emerging over the past several weeks. Someone is spilling the president's secrets, and the press has hastened to publish them. That's threatening the security of the entire nation. We are fighting a shadowy force in the war against terror. Our enemy knows how to adapt. And when they learn a secret they take that knowledge and they change their behavior.

The latest secret to be spilled was about the secret surveillance which has kept us safe from the killers' clutches. Some senators are now decrying my efforts to keep ordinary Americans safe. They prefer an America where more innocents die at the hands of foreign thugs, if they feel like that will help keep their precious civil liberties safe. They are missing the bigger picture. I can do both things at the same time. The constitution gives me broad powers during war, and in case you didn't know, we are at war. My attorney general will back me up on that a hundred percent.

Some of my secrets are big, like the secret prisons that may or may not exist. Some of my secrets are small, like the device we had planted in the back of Joe Lieberman's neck. But they all have one thing in common. They're all mine, and spilling them is shameful.

Secret tellers beware. There's a new sheriff in town. Okay, not new exactly, but a sheriff with a reinvigorated sense of purpose, and one who can really handle a vegetable.


2005, Mark Hoback