Republican Ghouls Subpoena Living Dead!

Hastert: "Insane, you say? Mhua-hahaha. I am the sanest one of them all!"

In a grandstanding move with no legal precedent, a group of conservative lawmakers has decided to subpoena brain-damaged Terri Schiavo to a  March 28 hearing on "health care provided to non-ambulatory persons."

The coalition of ghouls, led by usual suspects House Speaker Dennis 'Drac' Hastert, House Majority Leader Tom 'Benito' DeLay, and House Government Reform Committee Chairman Thomas 'Not Yet a Household Name' Davis III, issued a joint statement saying that "This inquiry should give hope to Terri, her parents and friends, and the millions of people throughout the world who are praying for her safety. This fight is not over." Federal criminal law protects witnesses called before congressional committee hearings "from anyone who may obstruct or impede a witness's attendance or testimony."

"Safety?" shouted out a stunned reporter from FGAQ. "How the hell are you going to protect the safety of a woman who's been in a persistent vegetative state for fifteen years?" The reporter was politely tasered and led off into police custody.

According to the Washington Post, "a lawyer for Schiavo's parents said Terri Schiavo can be brought to the hearing in a wheelchair and is capable of traveling accompanied by care-givers."

"The appearance is one thing," said Delay, often described as the most loathsome man in government. "I'm sure it will be quite an exciting day for her. But she damn well better be able to answer all our questions, or I guess, heh heh, we'll just have to keep her in federal custody indefinitely."



2005, M Hoback