Bush Makes Surprising New Social Security Pitch

another victim of the Social Security crisis

Appearing in Galveston on his 287th local pitch for Social Security reform, Bush surprised many in the crowd by comparing the fate of Social Security with the mother of Wisconsin lunatic Philip Schuth. Predictably, liberals called this a desperate move, while conservatives considered it a stroke of genius. The rest felt that it was a bid to upstage Tom Delay, who the president had the bad taste to share a stage with.

"Friends, I'd like to tell you a little story tonight about a man up in the town of Campbell. This guy Phil, he was a bit of a nut job, as we call 'em here in Texas. Nobody in town liked him, and he didn't like 'em back. He did a lot of crazy things, like hitting kids in the head with baseballs if they got in his yard, and I'm pretty sure he talked to cats. You might find it hard to believe this if anyone but your president was telling it to you, but he cut his backyard with a scythe. On time his next door neighbor, Gary Mitchell, gave him a ride to the grocery store. Playing good Samaritan, I guess, and we can't fault him for that. Old Phil went in and bought a hundred-fifty dollars worth of Spam. It's no wonder that folks in his town gave him wide berth."

"Well, Phil, he did have one close relationship, and that was with his mother Edith, who was an American by marriage. Truth is, Edith hated Wisconsin, and Edith hated America. All that ill feeling didn't keep her from cashing her Social Security checks, though. It kind of gives you pause."

"Phil and Edith used to play a lot. I'm not talking when he was a youngster, I'm talking when he was a big boy, thirteen, fourteen years old. They'd play make believe, like they were on the Starship Enterprise, you know 'Kick it into warp drive, Scotty', 'I'm givin it all I can, Phil, I think it's gonna blow', 'Mom, it's Captain, not Phil', 'Sorry Captain, would you like me to put the force field back up?'. Nutty stuff, huh, but they enjoyed it, just like Edith enjoyed cashing those Social Security checks. Which she didn't earn, by the way, she got 'em for her dead husband."

"Her bad faith behavior caught up with her one day, and she was scratched to death by a cat. At least that's what Phil says, and for the moment those are the facts we have to work with. Now, Phil, being insane and all, thought the best thing to do was stick Edith in the freezer, since even he had the sense to know that nobody was going to buy that cat scratch story. I know what you're thinking, and you're right. Those Social Security checks kept on coming, just like clockwork. And Phil, he would cash 'em, cause he didn't think Social Security would still be viable by the time he was ready to retire. Course he didn't have anywhere to retire from since he never had a job, but that doesn't make it any less valid of a point. You could say that Phil had his assets frozen, heh, heh. I know that's a little off point, but you gotta admit, it was funny."

"The point is, if Edith's husband had been able to invest four percent of her income into a private account, an account he owned instead of one that just existed on paper somewhere in Washington, she would have gotten that money in a lump sum upon the Mister's demise. And if there was any left, it would have gone to Phil after the incident with the cat. Maybe he could have given her a proper burial, instead of being caught up in that cycle of dependency. That's what the Democrats want you to be caught up in, waiting for the government to give you back what's yours to begin with. And then you just get frozen or something."


2005, Mark Hoback