Paging Dr Bush and Dr Hastert. Please report to the Capitol laboratory. Dr Frist has called an emergency meeting. Stat.

Dr Hastert, I am bothered by a feeling that this is mischief of your making... Why on a day when trouble spreads from shore to sky should we be summoned to the laboratory?

Uh, gee I, uh, I'm not sure... I, uh...

Will you cease with the infernal stammering henceforth, Dr Hastert? And button up your coat and try to look professional. You surely are a shoddy spectacle; an unkempt visage doth belie an unkempt man.

Sorry, Dr Bush, the fact is that I have not been very professional of late. I've taken more to following my heart...

Following your heart, Dr Hastert? You know that's one sure path to to finding trouble. The mind must rule the heart, sir, else chaos finds a sturdy stead. Hark! Now approaches Dr Frist.

You are looking haggard, Dr Bush. Come with me and see what horror has been caused by the abominable Dr Hastert.

That's not... I never, uh, I didn't... it... I...

Hold your tongue, you vile physician. Brace yourself, Dr Bush, for what I show you now behind yon curtain could shock the strongest man amongst us.

Heaven protect us, Dr Frist. What manner of foul creature is this that stands before us oozing? It appears to be part human, yet the tentacles are not of this world. And it smells just plain nasty. Am I remiss to speculate that Dr Hastert summoned forth this snarling beast ?

Indeed you are correct in your assumption, Dr Bush. The creature breeds with wild abandon, and now it numbers 666.

666 as in the number of these beasts? That's 666 too many of these fiends to coexist in comfort. Explain yourself, my loathsome Dr Hastert. How could you allow a floor vote on a bill to allow man to take the place of God, an act whose path could only lead to abominations such as this? Explain this to me, I beseech you, lest I strike your jowly face.

It's... uh, stem cell research has... it kind of... the guys all... I, uh...

Be gone, Dr Hastert, and do not darken my door again with your prattling tongue. Return to shame and decadence and live a life of eating pies. Dr Bush, what can we do to set this nightmare right?

The milk once spilt shall not be whole again, yet I do as I must and wield the mighty veto pen.

You dare to wield the veto pen? The pen who's quill has never know the ink?

I dare, good Dr Frist, I dare, for courage should not be a fleeting thing. With Montblanc pen I strike my manly blow, restoring order to the Lord's domain. And just for the record, I know you voted for that goddam bill as well, so I'm putting your ass personally in charge of cleaning up all the monster shit.

 

2006, Mark Hoback