The Pentagon has expanded into both the CIA and the Defense Commissary Agency's area of expertise, reinterpreting U.S. law to give Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld broad authority over clandestine operations abroad, and creating a new espionage arm which will purportedly pay for itself.
The previously undisclosed organization, called the Strategic Sub Center, was created last month when Rumsfeld simultaneously decided to end his "near total dependence on CIA" for human intelligence, and to calm growing troop discontent by bringing fresh toasted subs to war torn Iraq. Designed to operate in thirty minutes or less under the defense secretary's direct control, the Strategic Sub Center deploys small teams of sandwich makers, fry chefs, interrogators and delivery drivers alongside newly empowered special operations forces.
The Strategic Sub Center was created to provide Rumsfeld with independent tools designed for the "full spectrum of lunchtime operations," according to an internal account of its origin and mission. Human intelligence operations will be able to tell whether a call is coming from ground troops or from hungry insurgents. In the former case, delicious subs will be delivered to US troops at a bargain price, sometime with the inclusion of a free two liter Pepsi. In the latter, the sub will be laden with a special secret truth sauce, and the insurgents will be deported to areas unknown. All calls from ordinary Iraqis are to be ignored.
©2005, Mark Hoback