"...and that's worth six hundred dollars."

"Is there a 'T'?"

"There are one, two, three 'T's, Mister President. Do you want to solve now or spin again?"

"Feeling lucky, Pat. I'm going to spin again. Come on, big money, come on, big money."

"Three hundred fifty."

"Pat, can you give me a 'W'?"

"No... I'm sorry, Mister President, but there are no 'W's. Nancy, it's your turn."

"Hold your horses there, Pat. I wasn't asking for the letter 'W', I was asking for a cheer, you know, some esprit de corpse, like 'Go W go, big money, big money'."

"Is that honestly what you intended, Mister President?"

"It sure is, Pat, and anyone who would say that I meant anything different is just flat wrong. And tell Vanna to wipe that dirty look off her face."

"Well... I guess we'll have to take you at your word and let you pick another letter..."

"Is there a 'K'?"

"There is no 'K', and quite frankly I can't imagine where you think you could have used one. Back to you, Nancy, just give the..."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa Pat, I think you're getting a little ahead of yourself here."

"But you've had your opportunity, Mister President. I think it's about time to let somebody else have a chance to play."

"Pat, is it possible that for some reason, you don't recognize what I have here in my hand?"

"It... It looks like a free spin. But... I don't recall you winning a free spin..."

"The American people gave it to me, Pat. Now let me back at that wheel. Come on, come on. Big money, big money. Whooee! I landed on 'Mystery Vacation!"

"And so you did. Just give me a damn letter."

"No reason to be so cranky, Pat. Is there an 'L'?"

"There is one 'L'. [reeep reeep] And that sound you heard means that we've uncovered all the consonants. Are you ready to solve the puzzle?"

"No."

"No?"

"No, Pat, I want to spin again."

"Listen to me carefully, Mister President. You have used up all of the consonants. There are no consonants remaining. Would you like to solve the puzzle?"

"I want to buy a vowel. Is there an 'A'."

"There is one 'A'. Now solve the goddamn puzzle."

"I want to spin."

"Now listen here, sir. There are zero consonants remaining in this puzzle. And if you'd care to take a look at the board with me, I think you might notice that we've done a pretty thorough job with the vowels as well. There's an 'A', some 'E's, an 'O' and a 'U'. That pretty much takes care of the entire alphabet except for I."

"And sometimes Y. And sometimes Y. I'm spinning. Come on big money, come on big money... I... what?"

"Sorry, but you landed on bankrupt. Can you solve it, Nancy?"

"UNITED STATES MINT POLICE".

"Sure you're right! You win... uh, actually, you don't win anything, I'm afraid."

"Well, I never got a chance to spin, Pat."

"No... no you really didn't, and neither did Harry. I guess... I guess this is the first time I've ever seen everyone leave here empty handed... Well, goodnight folks, thanks for watching... Jeez, this game is starting to get kind of old..."

 

 

2007, Mark Hoback