President Bush today used his weekly radio address to explain the upside of recent revelations that he had initiated a secret citizen surveillance program in February 2001, over six months prior to the World Trade Center attacks. 911 was previously know as the raison d'Ítre for the SAP (Spy on America Program) initiative, but the truth is more complex..

"Qwest Communications has now betrayed America twice," said Bush, who explained at the start of the broadcast that parts of his broadcast would be redacted. "First they betrayed this nation by failing to work with my administration to ensure the safety and well-being of the citizens. When we asked them to give us a hand, they were 'frightened' of doing something 'illegal', even thought the NSA had assured them that everything was secretly on the up and up. And what is the upshot of their reluctance? Over three thousand Americans dead in the attacks of 911, and a nation afraid to get up and pee in the middle of the night lest some terrorist might lay them low."

"And now," he continued after a two minute segment that was largely bleeped out, his voice growing hoarser and more constricted,. "Qwest has betrayed the nation a second time by revealing the early foundations of my program to put an end to the evil ambitions of those who would see our country bleed. Because of this blatant attack on America's interests and safety, I have instructed acting attorney general Peter Keisler to draw up papers charging Quest Communications with treason."

This will mark the first time that an American corporation has been charged with treason, but Keisler sees this as a minor problem. "A corporation is a legal entity, just like Bobby Brown, so there is nothing unusual about charging it with a crime, the same way one might charge Mr. Brown. The 'hanging by the neck until dead' part, however, is admittedly more of a challenge."

It was revealed that Qwest has already been punished for it's first betrayal of America, with the government withdrawing hundreds of millions of dollars worth of secret contracts and causing the company's stock to tumble in 2001.

"Ironically, the Qwest betrayals illustrate some fundamental truths about my administration," the President concluded. "We are watching out for the American people, and we have been since the early days of my first term. We knew 911 was going to happen, we just didn't know when. Now, all you Americans, just get on outta here. Go to a movie, go on a picnic, lets just forget about all this unpleasantness, I know you will, I know you already have, God bless America."


©2007, Mark Hoback