Hi, there. I'm Don Rumsfeld, and I want to welcome you to my new show, 'Showing Now At A Theater Near You!'

You know, for a long time, the only theater I ever occupied was CENTCOM, but I used to tell myself, 'Rummy, if you ever have the opportunity to just stick it in the wind, there are unimaginable video riches awaiting your perusal'. And by the grace of God, here I am today, Channel 7's newest film critic. They literally pay me to go to the movies, plus per diem, plus brunch at the lovely Channel 7 rooftop cafe featuring the bottomless mimosa! Well, there are a couple big films opening this weekend, so settle back, and let me do what I do quite ably, if I do say so myself, which is to inform you as to what great movies are showing now at a theater near you.

We'll kick it off with a real killer of a film, heh heh, 'Hannibal Rising'. I'm going to have to admit to a considerable amount of confusion about this one, not because of the plot so much as the fact that I... I believe I mentioned this, I haven't had much time to go to the movies over the last thirty-forty years, and they say the back story is absolutely essential to fully enjoying ' Hannibal Rising', and frankly the whole thing was beyond me. Or it could have been those wonderful mimosas. At any rate, I'm giving 'Hannibal Rising' two puzzled stares out of a possible four.
I was quite anxious to see 'The Last Sin Eater'. It's been... oh, I'd say thirty-forty years since I've had the opportunity to check out any modern porn, but this movie did not meet my expectations, erotically or cinematically. Believe it or not, this movie is about finding Jesus, and rest assured, I've had enough of that over the past few years to last me a long time. For it's deceptive advertising alone, I'm giving 'Eater' one unhappy grimace out of a possible four.
'Factory Girl'. What can I say about this possibly excellent film, which I attended at a most unfortunate time, screening it as I did directly after brunch, when the sleep demons tend to haunt me. I must say that Sienna Miller is a striking young woman, although as fate would have it, I nodded off during the first ten minutes and when I woke up she was dead. I don't even know who killed her. Que sera sera. Being an honest critic, I'm afraid that I must give 'Factory Girl' only two puzzled stares out of a possible four.
I've saved the best for last, folks. Excuse me, but I break up at the very thought of Eddie Murphy's new film 'Norbit'. It's just that funny. I know it's been a few decades since I last spent time with the silver screen, but I'm willing to bet that no comedian has ever come up with the brilliant idea of playing a fat black woman. Sheer comic genius. I'm giving it three and a half guffaws out of a possible four.
And that raps things up here on 'Showing Now At A Theater Near You!'  Be sure to join us next week when I'll be reviewing, among other things, 'Ghost Rider' with Nicholas Cage. My gosh, I'm really looking forward to that one. This is Don Rumsfeld saying 'Seize the initiative, America. You have the power to attend a movie today!'

 

 

2007, Mark Hoback