".........line one, Mister President........"

"Good evening, sir, I'm calling today on behalf of the Fraternal Order of Police. Did you know, sir, that Parkinson's Disease can develop in children as young as nine years old? The FOP is undertaking a drive to help these young victims. Our bobbies will be canvassing in your neighborhood this..."

"Yo, Blair! You blew it, Blair. Had me going there until you slipped up and said 'bobbies'."

"Oops. Dammit! And damn your damnable encyclopedic knowledge of British culture."

"You want to call it culture, you go right ahead."

"I shall call it culture, and what a marvelous culture it has been. We birthed Shakespeare, and discovered America, the Beatles and Monty Python."

"All well and good, Tony-O, but what have you given us lately?"

"Well, there's David Beckham..."


"That's right. Hugh Grant."

"Gag me, dude."

"Uh... Franz Ferdinand, and... Quite frankly, we have been in a bit of a slump as of late."

"That's okay, Tony, happens to all of us. Hell, when I was growing up, back in the eighties, we didn't have a damn thing goin on except maybe the big R, second best president ever. Hey, Blair, who's my dawg?"

"I am! That's me! Woof woof. Bow wow! Just don't call me a bloody poodle. I'm a big old dog with a big old bone. I've got teeth to bite and claws to fight and I'm barking round London all night. Woof..."

"Tony, Tony... that's d-a-w-g, kinda like what you guys call 'mate'."

"I... knew that. Heh. Anyway, I was just calling to see how you were feeling after your big veto. Was it the rush you were anticipating?"

"I tell you, Blair, it was a surprisingly empty experience. I mean, hell, what do I really care what somebody does with a frozen embryo? They can put em in their Diet Coke for all it matters to me. It's just something I mentioned in debate a long time ago, and well... You know the American people. They love consistency."

"I suppose... Listen, I was just looking in the dictionary, and I don't see an entry for d-a-w-g..."

"What? You're looking at a dictionary while I'm talking?"

"Just a quick peek. You see the press has been calling me certain derogatory names and I just don't..."

"I don't give a shit what the press is calling you. You do not look at a dictionary when you're in the middle of a conversation with the president of the United States."


"But nothin. We're talking about a serious respect issue here. Now get down on your hands and knees and bark like a doggie."

"Hold on... ouch!... uh, woof."

"Louder doggie."


"Now do it like the poodle do."

"YIP YIP... May I get up now, Mister President? I banged my knee pretty badly when I was scrambling to get under the desk."

"Yeah, go ahead and get up."

"Allow me to give my most heartfelt apologies for causing you to lose your temper. It was thoughtless of me."

"Forget about it, Blair. You've just got to learn to be considerate of other people's feeling, that's all."

2006, Mark Hoback