Bolton Calls Senator Boxer 'A Snot Nosed Keister Kisser'

Angered by her attempts to hold up his confirmation as the UN ambassador, John Bolton today called Senator Barbra Boxer 'a snot-nosed keister kisser', and threatened to shake her 'until your eyeballs fly out of that smug head of hers'.

Appearing along with Boxer and Rev Louis P Sheldon on FOX's 'Weekend Live with Tony Snow', Bolton was in an unusually combative mood, shedding the scholarly demeanor that he has tried to maintain during the nomination process. Although congenial at first, Bolton grew increasingly agitated as Sheldon launched into his patented Mister Rogers rap.

“The left-wing smear merchants have proven exactly nothing in their relentless attacks against this man becoming our next U.N. Ambassador,” proclaimed Sheldon. Bolton nodded aggressively in agreement, and repeated the word 'nothing'. “But, they keep trying, curse their black and godless hearts. Liberals like Boxer here apparently can only tell anecdotal stories that allege Bolton has gotten angry in the past at his employees. Well, I suppose we can tell stories too".

"Tell her, Louie, tell her," urged Bolton, pump fisting while his face growing increasingly red. "Tell her the joke about boxer shorts."

"I think that..." Boxer said, before being cut off by Sheldon.

"Is this the new leftist litmus test, huh? That no Bush nominee can ever have expressed anger or yelled at a subordinate? Because that is one great big steaming pile of shit, Ms. Boxer. Are liberals now proposing the ‘Mr. Rogers’ litmus test for all Bush nominees?"

"I am no Fred Rogers," erupted Bolton, jumping from his seat to loom threateningly over Boxer. "Fred Rogers is a pussy!"

Snow attempted to intervene at this point, but received a kidney punch from Bolton. Boxer ran from the room as Snow slumped to the floor, but not before Bolton had issued his threat.

Confirmation is expected later next week.


©2005, Mark Hoback