Martha-Ann Bomgardner Driven to Tears

Senator Orrin Hatch focuses on Bomgardner's ass with a wide angle lens

Day two of the Samuel Alito confirmation hearings got extremely rambunctious, with charges of grandstanding and misbehavior being flung around the senate hearing room like plastic bananas in a sewer full of starving chimps. As the day roared forward like Greg Bifle's #16 red Ford Taurus with Bobby Labonte's Pontiac hot on his tail, it became crystal clear that a massive pileup was straight around the bend.

Things got ugly early, with Ted Kennedy telling Arlen Specter that he might just be inclined to subpoena records relating to Alito's membership in the notorious 'Princeton Club'. Aside from torturing young girls, the Concerned Alumni of Princeton (CAPU - pronounced kapoo) were also responsible for 'Prospect', a magazine that featured tortured Regan-era political porn like this:

"People nowadays just don't seem to know their place. Everywhere one turns, blacks and Hispanics are demanding jobs simply because they're black and Hispanic. The physically handicapped are trying to gain equal representation in professional sports. And homosexuals are demanding the government vouchsafe them the right to bear children."

"Ah hahaha," said Alito, "that is some very bad prose indeed, even for the slackers at CAPU, which I almost forgot that I had joined, or why, and I racked my mind, and the only thing I can come up with is ROTC, yeah, that's it, the liberals didn't want ROTC on campus, but that deprived me of my right to take it, which was not fair and just, and the CAPUpers supported me all the way. So, back off boogaloo, and give Mahoney the news."

"Who's Mahoney," queried Spector.

"I'm sorry senator," replied Alito, "but I am not going to comment on a matter that I may be called upon to analyze in the future. That would be unfair to Mahoney as well as the nation itself."

Noticing that Alito's wife, Martha-Ann Bomgardner, was beginning to look a bit stressed by the hearings, the mischievous Lindsey Graham decided the time was right to do his imitation of a Democrat. "Are you a bigot?" he asked in an effective redneck growl. "I asked you a question, sonny Jim, I asked if you was a bigot. Hey, Martha Ann, blink once if your old man is a bigot. HA! I saw a blink. What you got to say, boy - you a bigot? Cause I don't like me no bigots, and I'm thinking you might just be one of them closet bigots. Your old lady told me you was one."

With this, Bomgardner fled the room in a trail of tears, leaving the room in turmoil as lawmakers erupted into fiery debate over who had been the volcanic force for the lady's loss of composure. Was it the Democrats, or Republicans imitating Democrats, or is it simply Yuki-onna, Goddess of Tears? Whatever the case, Lindsey Graham got all the credit.

Not to be outdone, Senator Kennedy was fully prepared by the time Bomgardner made her return a quarter hour later. For five long minutes Kennedy talked about 'stare decisis', lulling the other senators into a trance-like state before introducing his 'very special guest questioner', Mister Blackwell, creator of the Worst Dressed list.

"Pleased to meet you, Mister Alito," the vancient fashionista began. "You know, I think I'm going to have to bump Britney down to number two on my list; it seem I need to make room for your wife! Bada bing. But seriously... Do you pick out your wife's clothes, Mister Alito? Do you? It's important that we know. Because I wouldn't wear that dress to escape Hurricane Katrina."

Kennedy was declared winner of the first round after Bomgardner took nearly twenty-five minutes to return. Today's match-up will feature Senator Orrin Hatch, who intends to question Alito about the Army's new X-ray camera (and whether it's use on civilians is a violation of privacy); and Senator Dianne Feinstein, who will be asking Alito 'just what kind of a man brings his wife to a job interview'.

2006, M Hoback