Bush: "It's Not Our Policy to Name Names"
Challenged to back his claim that many foreign leaders support him, President Bush is claiming 'executor's privileges and presidential secrocracy'. Bush said at a fund-raiser last week in Ohio that he's heard from some world leaders who quietly back his candidacy and who hope he defeats Kerry in November. "But as far as telling you who," said Bush, "This president is no name namer."
"Either he is straightforward and states who they are, or the only conclusion that we can come to is that he is a frigging liebag," said Kerry spokesman Doug McGinny, speaking from a rugby field in Rhode Island.
"I apologize for my spokesman," said Kerry with a chuckle, "he can be quite colorful after a few Sam Adams. "Let me say that I personally am not calling the president a frigging liebag. As far as Doug goes, what can I say? This is the United States of America, the greatest country on earth, a land where we have the freedom to call the president a frigging liebag anytime we please. At least up until mid-October, when the president declares martial law, that is if I'm still ahead in the polls.'
"What the fuck," sputtered White House spokesman Scott McClellan. "Who's been leaking our October surprise? Bring me their head. Someone's going to get a one way ticket to Guantanamo."
"You want to know who it was, you yapping little poodle," replies Kerry. "It was one of my many new friends who wants to see the lot of you gone. Guess. Guess!"
"Osama bin Laden!'
'Tell me, tell me, tell me!'
'It's somebody close to the president. Somebody a little scary looking.'
'Sean Hannity! That makeup frightens the shit out of me. Sean Hannity, that turncoat bastard! Right? Right'
'No... It's a woman...'
'Arrrr... that rules out Ann Coulter... Madeline Albright. No, wait. You said close to the president. Mmmm... Vickie Lovejoy?'
'Hmm, I don't know about Ms. Lovejoy. I'll have Doug check her out.'
'Oooo... I hate you, Botox-face. Tell me. Tell me who leaked our October surprise. Tell me, tell me, tell me.'
'Barbara Bush. The president's mom. She likes me better now.'
'Liar liar pants on fire.'
'You must be thinking about your boss. Mrs. Bush is tired of losers. Didn't you see it in the papers? She said she doesn't want to see her family go through a 92 thing again.'
'Lying liberal press!'
'Huh-uh. Washington Times.'
'Ooooo... Did she tell you about our September surprise as well?'
'The one about Osama?'
'No. That's our June surprise.'
'Haha. Tricked you into telling me your June surprise!'
'One more thing. Tony Blair said that Iran was your September surprise. He likes me better now, and he said that Bush is a butthead.'
©2004, M Hoback