Liza Minelli Replaces Bush for Scout Jamboree

It has been the festival from hell for the 31,788 Boy Scouts attending the National Scout Jamboree at Fort Hill in Virginia. On the very first day, four scout leaders were electrocuted while setting up a large canopy next to power lines. Then the weather turned hot, very hot.

On Wednesday, the scouts were supposed to get a visit from President Bush. They stood outside waiting for him in the broiling sun wearing their dress uniforms, until they began to drop like flies, one by one, until three hundred of them had passed out from heat exhaustion and dehydration. And then the skies opened up and drenched their little asses. Bush did not show up.

On Thursday they waited again, hoping for a glimpse of the man who had been president since they were all knee high to a grasshopper, but at the last moment, presidential spokesman Scott McClellan called to say that Bush needed to shampoo his hair. He asked what their plans looked like for Friday, and told the scouts that the president absolutely might show up then, adding "you never can tell".

Today the scouts received the final blow, when McClellan called back and told him that the president would not be able to make it at all, but was instead sending his personal envoy, former star of stage and screen, Ms Liza Minelli!

Many of the scouts expressed their disappointment.

"Screw the president," said little Jimmy Dawkins of Omega, North Dakota. 'I didn't even know who this lady was, but the scout leaders have made us listen to her music all day in preparation. She sucks. And she looks like my grandma."

Told that Minelli would also be accompanied by youthful musical favorites Good Charlotte as well as members of the cast of 'The O.C.', little Jimmy brightened. "Oh well, I guess anything is better than another snipe hunt".

2005, Mark Hoback