"Hey Vlad, I just wanted to thank you for all those nice things you were saying about me yesterday."

"Nice things? Are you referring to when I said that you were a decent man?"

"Well, that was nice too, but I'm talking about when you called me the baddest motherfucker on the planet."

"You mean when I said that you had caused the United States to overstep it's natural boundaries in every way and destroyed the sanctity of international law and created a climate where every third-world tinpot is scrambling to attain any and all means of protecting themselves and that you are bringing us to the abyss of one conflict after another, and making political solutions increasingly impossible."

"Yeah, yeah, that's the bit. And the part about The Master."

"Yes, I recall that I said it is becoming a world of one master, one sovereign."

"That's it. That's it. I'm bad, I'm nationwide. Thank you, big guy."

"George Bush, you must understand that these things were not to be taken as compliments."

"Well, that's the way I took em."


"Like you say potatoes and I say spuds, Vlad. Either way they're mighty tasty when you cut em up and fry em."

"The point, George Bush, is that you and that country of yours have become an unprincipled and unpredictable menace, and you're destabilizing everything you touch. Frankly, most of the world is frightened of you."

"I know! Ain't it crazy? Hey, big guy, let me ask you a question. Were you guys ever afraid of Bill Clinton?"

"No, no, the world made much progress on the diplomatic front with your President Clinton. He was a very nice man."

"Hey, Vlad, you know what happens to nice guys, doncha? Nice guys get there knobs polished."

"I for one do not find that an entirely disagreeable fate."

"You dog, heh heh. Let me ask you something else, even though I'm pretty sure I know the answer. You guys weren't ever afraid of my daddy, were you?"

"George Bush Senior? No, no fear, just respect..."

"I never had either. High five, Vladman! I know who you did scare you, though - Ronald Reagan. 'Mister SplotchyHead, tear down this wall!' Did I ever say anything that scared you as much as that?"

"With alarming frequency."

"Whoo! Whoo! I'm bad, I'm nationwide."


2007, Mark Hoback