Bush gives congress five minutes and not one second more.

President Bush made a surprise flight back to Washington from his ranch last night, proving that he cares deeply about each and every American, and would do whatever it takes - whatever it takes - to help them out in their times of need.

"I'm the president of all the people," said the president of all the people. "I'm the president of the people who like me, and I'm the president of the people who don't. I'm the red president and I'm the blue president. I'm two presidents in one. I'm the president of Jim Bob, and I'm the president of little Judy Ann Swanson, who has yet to be born. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to go and be president of Terri Schiavo. I just received a psychic message on the presidential transporator that she desperately needs my help."

Bush then took a power nap for fifteen minutes. Waking up feeling totally refreshed, he jogged to Capitol Hill where congress was still in session and commenced to hollering "Where's my bill! Where's my Schiavo bill!" Frightened legislators quickly passed the measure, and Bush jogged back to the White House (in a personal best of six minutes twenty-two seconds), where an Army helicopter was waiting to transport him back to Air Force One, which then flew him non-stop to Tampa, even though the gas tank was only half full. With the clock ticking furiously, he arrived in the driveway of U.S. District Judge James Whittemore shortly after 4 AM. When Whittemore didn't answer immediately, Bush had his secret service agents blow the door off it's dang hinges. "No time to waste, Stretch," the president shouted at the startled judge. "You can put your pants on in the car. We got us a life to save."


2005, Mark Hoback