Bristling at suggestions that he had not throw out the ceremonial first pitch at yesterday's Washington National's opener for fear of being booed by a hostile crowd, President Bush today showed up at Redskins Park and announced to the empty stadium that he was there to throw out the first football. With the season still months away, the president had to make do with passing to a trio of secret service agents, one of whom had previously played as a linebacker for Clairmont College in Maryland.

A few moments later, coach Joe Gibbs showed up on the perimeter of the field, yelling through a megaphone for the intruders to 'get that goddamn helicopter off the field before it ruins the surface'. When told 'that's no way to talk to a president', Gibbs did not seemed the slightest bit embarrassed, but did reluctantly agree to check the workout room and see if there were 'any pros' there that Bush could throw the ball to. Moments later wide receiver Jamie Thrash appeared on the field. Bush completed one pass of about fifteen yards to Thrash, who managed to evade gunfire from the secret service and run the ball into the end zone, up the stadium stairs, and out into the parking lot where he then drove off at high speed with that rackety hip hop music booming loudly from his car.


2007, Mark Hoback