Bush Denies Being Shameless Opportunist

Still stinging from the biting ridicule of his own conservative base, President Bush today fought back against criticism that he has become nothing but a shameless opportunist, claiming that he knows quite a bit about shame.

Widespread ridicule erupted late last week when the president announced his support for a 'Defense of Pie' amendment to the Constitution, which would outlaw the union of meat products and pastry. During his weekly radio address, Bush declared that "Pie is as American as apple pie. It is by nature a union between fruit - which may sometimes include pecans - and a good flaky crust, although we need not discriminate against graham-cracker crust when used in a combination with key limes. But pie cannot be cut off from its cultural, religious and natural roots. A chicken does not belong in a pie."

The president went on to relate an incident that occurred during a December 2002 meeting with Tony Blair in London, during which the Prime Minister attempted to serve him steak and kidney pie for dinner.

"I told him, Tony, maybe you Europeans are more accepting of this whole meat pie thing, but in my country it's an abhorrence. I don't even want to see you eat it, or we're talking about a serious loss of respect. And he told me, George, I was just testing you to see if I could really trust you. Now, let's go spread the good news in Baghdad'. And we both had a real good laugh, cause under Saddam the people over there used to have to eat boiled goat pie."

Conservatives remain unconvinced of Bush's sincerity. "That boy is nothing but a shameless opportunist," said Joe Glover, president of the Family Policy Network. "He's had five and a half years to speak up about protecting the sanctity of our pies, and now that he's in trouble, he thinks his little Rose Garden pep talk is going to bail him out. Well, we're not buying it. We're going to go and watch the dog-and-pony show, but it's too little, too late."

Spokesman Tony Snow replied that Glover was misinformed, adding that "The president has no intention of using a pony."


2006, Mark Hoback