Crawford, Texas (FGAQ) - President Bush took a break from clearing brush on Thursday to express sympathy for Cindy Sheehan, the mother of a slain soldier who has been holding vigil a few miles outside of his Crawford Ranch.

"I sympathize with her," said Bush. "She feels strongly about her, about her position, which as you know, is up the road and to the right of my darn property. And I am -- she has every right in the world to say what she believes. This is America. It's a big country, with lots of places to have a position. Have I said position enough? Didn't think so. She has a right to her position. And I've thought long and hard about her position. Well, maybe not hard, but long. I've heard her position from others, which is, 'Get out of Iraq now.' Now I think it's time for her to think about my position, which is, 'Get out of Crawford now'. I'm trying to have a dang vacation here."

"As long as I'm expressing sympathy here, I'd like to express it for my good friend Justice Rehnquist. You all know he had a head cold last week and ended up at the hospital. That's real sad. And my advice to him is to maybe step down from the Supreme Court, you know, stop and smell the roses before it's too late."

"You know who I feel sorry for? The Washington Nationals. They got whumped by the Astros 6-3 last night, and now they're three games out of the wild card race. Looked like they were going great guns earlier in the season, but now they're just falling apart. You don't have sympathy for them, you just don't have a heart."

"I tell you who could really use some sympathy - Jennifer Anniston. That girl's in a world of heartbreak. Brad Pitt used her up like a can of caulk, and now she's boo-hooing all over the place. It's real pitiful. Brad Pitt, you ever come near Crawford, I'm gonna kick your ass."

"Lastly, I'd like to express my sympathy to any American who shells out eight bucks to see 'Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo' this weekend. We had a screening at the ranch last night, and it was just terrible. Laura left the room after twenty minutes, as soon as the woman with a pecker for a nose came on. Stay away, citizens, stay away. Course I realize that there's gonna be some people who want to see it just because George Bush said it blew chunks. Guess they're gonna learn the hard way that the president isn't wrong about everything."


2005, Mark Hoback