President Admits Mistakes

In a refreshing display of candor, a relaxed President Bush, appearing last night on the Hannity and Colmes show, and admitted having made a 'caboodle of mistakes' during his first term.

"How many in a caboodle, Mister President?"

"Shut up, Allen. The president is showing remarkable candor just by consenting to..."

"Now, now, Sean. I don't mind takin' the squirrelly little guy's question. A caboodle is a bunch. I don't mind talkin straight. The election is over... the people have spoken, and I can relax a little. Two is a couple of mistakes, three four and five is a few, and a ton is a whole helluva lot. A caboodle is somewhere there in the middle. I'll admit it, cause I'm the candor President. For example, I shoot my mouth off just a little too much. Sometimes, words have consequences you don't intend them to mean. 'Bring em on' is one of my favorite examples. There I am really trying to rally the troops, and make it clear to them that I understood what a great job they were doing. That was kind of a crazy way to do it, I guess, cause it had some unintended consequences, and uh, well..."

"How about all the talk of weapons of mass destruction, would you call that a mistake?"

"No, I'd call that a bald-faced lie, Holmes. What I'd call a mistake is something like saying that I wanted Osama dead or alive. You look kind of silly when you don't get either, don't you. Now let me chat a minute with my friend Sean. You must have a question or two, huh Stretch?"

"No sir, just a statement. I think you're displaying incredible candor here tonight. Given the reality of a post-911 America, I don't think anyone could have done a better job than you have."

"Whoa, Sean, I doubt that. Maybe your friend Worm Boy here couldn't do any better, but I'm sure a lot of people could. Shoot, I've pretty much destroyed any sense of moral authority the country had. But then, I do answer to a higher authority."

"As do all decent Americans, Mister President. And each and every one of them is grateful to you for bringing a sense of spirituality to the country."

"Well, I'm counting on that, Sean. Speaking in all candor, I was counting on that, and it seems to have worked out for me. People want to vote for something, and let's face it, this old world is mighty complicated, and a lot of folks have trouble wrapping their minds around the issues. So they appreciate what I call my 'Popeye persona' - you know, 'I yam what I yam' - and, well, it's just the consistency they like, not whether I'm right or wrong. That's a secondary consideration. Now, if Worm Boy over here would like to get in one more arrogant question, then I'm off for a little bike ride."

"Your ideas for Social Security reform, sir, any thoughts that might be a mistake?"

"I hate to dignify that with an answer, Holmes. In all candor, I've got to say anybody that can't tell the difference between a mistake and a scam isn't the sharpest tool in the shed. A mistake is like when I looked into Putin's soul and found him to be a good and trustworthy fellow. Now, that's a mistake. I think I might've veered a little to the right and been lookin into his gall bladder."

"Thank you Mister President, and thank you for the remarkable candor you've shown here tonight."

"He does have amazing candor, Sean, I'll grant you that."

"Shut up, Colmes."

 

2005, Mark Hoback