Excuse me if I seem cranky today, but I had to prostrate myself once again yesterday, and that always puts me in a bad mood.
These pictures - you know the ones I mean, the dirty ones with the soldiers and towelheads - have gotten everybody all hot and bothered, and a couple days ago, the president says "Boys, we've got to do something about this."
Boys! I hate it when the president says that. I think it should be obvious to everyone that I am not in the least a boy! I know, I know. Colin has told me not to take it personally, but I still do. And where does he get off anyway? A proud black man should never allow his boss to call him 'boy'. Am I the only one around here to read social history? Maybe so - these other losers can't even understand Russian.
So there I am in the Oval office with Colin and Rummy and Dick, and George says that one of us has to make an apology to the Moslems.
"F*** that," says Dick. "They can kiss my white a**." I tell you, that man is not a team player unless he owns the team.
Then Colin really surprised me by showing some b***s. He walks up to George and says "Mister President, let me respectfully say that I am in total agreement with your vice-creep Cheney, except for the part about the white a**, and the part that had the F-word in it. I have done more than enough to save your bacon over the past couple of years. Now if you'll please excuse me, I have an appointment to with the Washington Post to relay some new embarrassing information." And he just walked out, leaving Rummy and I standing there. (Dick had taken a seat behind the desk.)
Rummy pipes up and says "Sir, I'm already on top of the situation. I'm going to say 'Oh my goodness, any American who sees the photographs that we have seen has to feel apologetic to the Iraqi people who were abused and recognize that that is something that is unacceptable and un-American'. See, Sir, that sounds an awful lot like an apology but it really isn't, so I can be as manly as ever."
"Good idea, Rummy," says George. "Great idea. I think I'm gonna say the same thing. You okay with that?"
"Not a problem sir. I'll just say it more eloquently than you."
And suddenly all eyes turn to me, good old Condi. Pick on the pretty girl. It's always Condi. Condi do this, Condi do that. I guess it's because I am by far the most attractive and come off so well on television, but honestly, I wish someone else... Oh well, as long as I get to be Vice President next year like George promised, I guess it will all be worth while.
I gave Al Arabiya exactly eight minutes in the Executive Office Building. As far as I'm concerned, that was about eight minutes too long. No coffee. No seats. These people can not even speak decent English, and I for one find that unacceptable. Listen to this sorry excuse for a question. "In the street, some people are saying that Saddam's had better than American -- this came in a time that U.S. engaging in heavy, heavy public diplomacy. How do you see this?"
"Saddam's had better than American?" What the H E double hockey sticks is that supposed to mean? Are we talking about cheese? If so, say so. And what street are you talking about? Make sense, people.
I responded very quickly and said that the president was concerned and everybody in America was just disgusted and it would never happen again and then I threw in the apology part, saying "we are deeply sorry for what has happened to these people, and what the families must be feeling. It's just not right."
And as soon as I had them out of the office, I went home and took a bubble bath. I felt so dirty.
©2004, Mark Hoback