Jong Puppet from 'Team America'

Tensions continue to rise as North Korea proceeds with plans to test an intercontinental ballistic missile which many experts believe could have the potential to reach the United States, giving credence to the assertion that the rogue country intends to inundate America with a barrage of nuclear, chemical and biological weapons if we don't stop him soon, for crying out loud.

"This is indeed a tense and dangerous moment for the nation," said Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, speaking at a Fort Campbell gathering of logisticians. "We know that Jong has weapons of mass destruction. How? Because North Korea is a member of the Axis of Evil. Ipso facto. But what are we going to do about it, particularly in light of Jong's recent statement that he would not be happy until America was a charred and barren wasteland incapable of supporting even primitive life forms. Those are pretty strong words, coming from such a desperately dangerous despot. With our troops being kept busy by staying the course, all I can say is, it's a good thing we've still got nukes."

Jong angrily denies that he has ever expressed a desire to blow up the United States. "Maybe it's something I've fantasized about, but I arways try to be a pragmatic reader." He insists that his drive to develop an intercontinental ballistic missile is fueled only by his desire to take out guitarist Eric Clapton, who his son Chul has been spotted following around on tour.

"Crapton is a very bad man, very bad," says Jong, a look of unbridled repugnance washing across his face. "Crapton has not made a good record in thirty years. Constantry, I have to risten to Kim Jong-Chul wandering around the parace, banging on his gayageum, singing those horrid songs. 'Tears From Heaven'. 'Wonderfur Tonight'. 'Ray Down Sarry'. It's enough to make a dictator tear out his hair. Just one nuke, is that too much to ask for?"


2006, Mark Hoback