Paper Covers Rock. Scissors Cut Paper Into an Unknowable Number of Infinitesimally Small Pieces.

Hello, people. Everyone, please be seated. I'm soon to be former Attorney General John Ashcroft, and I'm here today to talk about fingers. You got em, I got em; let's face it, most of the people that we come into contact with on a day to day basis have fingers. The ones that don't, we call them unfortunate, and we ask God to lend them a helping hand. You in front - that wasn't meant as a joke, so stop that snickering.

Many of you probably use your fingers several times a day, just as in the example above, in the delightful game of Rock, Paper, Scissors. It should be obvious even to the most casual observer that without fingers you are at an extreme disadvantage in this game. I personally always chose scissors when playing RPS. RPS, that's what we call it up on the hill. As I noted, scissors can cut paper into such small pieces that even the hand of God cannot piece it back into it's original context.

Oh... Smite me! I've unintentionally blasphemed while trying to come up with a good metaphor as to the power of scissors over paper. Of course the Almighty can put any piece of paper back together no matter how many segments into which it has been rendered. That goes without saying. The Lord could even put George Bush's National Guard records back together after they've been shredded and burned and buried in the heart of the earth. Hallelujah! 

I would say more regarding the power that scissors have against the lowly rock, but I must admit that to anyone to whom this power is not obvious has scales upon their eyes, and my words would fall on deaf ears. The heathen fights with rocks. Just pause and think about that for a moment. Now who has crafted the scissors? That's right. Non-heathens.

Although there is that bone chilling story about Samson, member of the tribe of Dan, and one of the Judges of Israel for 20 years. He was blessed by the Lord with a great head of hair which gave him the strength to kill lions with his bare hands. But then one day Samson met a devil woman, Delilah, who cut off all his hair while he slept. And how did she cut off his mighty hair? Not with a rock, but with scissors! And then while Samson was weak, he was captured by the Philistines who gouged out his eyes, and made him grind grain in prison. And how did they gouge out his eyes? With scissors!

Now my point in all this should be obvious. Fingers, in and of themselves, are neither good or evil. They may be used for foul purposes, such as flipping off the Attorney General, or good purposes, such as vanquishing your opponents in a good game of RPS. And so today, I announce my resignation, and give my thanks to God and to the President of the United States for allowing me to serve. The moving finger writes, and having writ moves on. I'm out of here.

 

2004, Mark Hoback