Candidates to Stay Home, Watch Football


After a flurry of last minute negotiations, President Bush and Senator Kerry have agreed to stay off the campaign trail today and watch football.

"We just said fuck it," said Bush spokesman Scott McClellan. "Anybody who hasn't made up their minds on who to vote for by now is a pathetic loser."

"Yeah," agreed Kerry, speaking from a couch at home. "Let em vote for Nader - if they bother to vote at all. I'm going to watch my soon to be favorite team the Redsteins tackle the Packers. And then it's time for the undefeated New England Patriots. I've got a six pack of Sammies cooling now."

"The senator should know that it's the Redskins, not the Redsteins," chided McClellan. "It makes you wonder if he really is prepared to lead the American people. But I agree with him on one thing - the Steelers and Patriarchs should be one hell of a game."