America to Frist: Don't Sell Us Cheap

Senator Frist debates rebates with a constituent

Across this great nation, from the red south to the blue north, then onward through the mottled west, Americans spoke up with a unified cry of "No thanks, moron," to Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist's proposal to give a crisp new hundred dollar bill to beleaguered drivers disgruntled by rising gas prices.

"A hundred bucks?" said Mrs. Lucy Fester of Shreveport. "What good is a hundred bucks gonna do me? Maybe keep the car rollin' for a couple weeks, if I'm lucky. But I tell you what's gonna happen, sure as I'm standin' here. Old Elmer's gonna get hold of that hundred bucks, take it down to Dixies and drink it all up with his good for nothin' friends. Then he's gonna come home and beat the livin' tar outta me cause he don't have a hundred bucks no more. Well, I tell you what - I don't have no health insurance, and I don't think I wanna take that risk."

Aside from the risk adverse, many were insulted by the sheer size of the offer. Typical was the reaction of Richard Wellington III from Annapolis. "I am so appalled by the smallness of the ideas that emanate from this current craven and cowardly Republican party. A hundred bucks? Please. I can't fill up my yacht much past the 'E' with that sort of chump change. Besides, I don't carry cash. If congress really wants to help the American people, they'll get busy on extending and expanding those dividend tax cuts."

Billy Patterson, an assistant Blockbuster manager in Richmond, admits to finding the offer tempting, but after thinking it over decided that it just wasn't enough. "A hundred bucks, huh? I was thinking 'that's cool', but then I thought, if I had a hundred bucks, I'd still need a hundred fifty more to get a PlayStation Portable, and that's not going to happen. Two hundred fifty bucks, that'd be the bomb. Cause I can rent all the games for like half price."

Senator Frist claims not to be discouraged, but one can't help but hear the disappointment in his voice when he discusses the widespread ridicule of his hundred dollar idea. "The president could have gotten on board with this proposal," he says wistfully. "Jeez, all I'm trying to do is buy a little goodwill and help keep the GOP in power for another cycle. I mean, I take it as a given that the American people are whores. I guess I just made a tactical error by trying to low-ball them on the price."


2006, Mark Hoback