In statements that administration officials call "both rude and a big fat exaggeration', John Kerry yesterday hurt the feelings of President George Bush. "These guys are the most crooked, you know, lying group I've ever seen. It's scary," said Kerry, before placing his thumb on his nose and wiggling his fingers wildly.

Bush campaign chairman Marc Racicot said that he could not believe his ears. "On the day that Senator Kerry emerged as his party's presumptive nominee, the president called to congratulate him. That goodwill gesture has been met by attacks and false statements,'' Racicot said. "Now he's pulling down his pants and shaking his big white booty at us. That's unacceptable behavior. The president would never shake his big white booty at Senator Kerry. Well, he never would have before. This changes everything."

"I never shook my booty at anybody," replied Kerry, "not even in Vietnam. But if Twinky wants to have an ass baring contest, I say, Bring it On."

"He stole that line," sputtered Racicot. "Bring it on is our line. What Senator Flipflopper is trying to do is flipflop all the flipflopping time. Flipflop, flipflop, flipflop. Tonight we call on Senator Flipflop to apologize to the American people for this negative attack."

"Meant every word of it."

"Ooooh, you make me so mad. Let me tell you something. We aren't the biggest liars ever. Clinton was. We're small time liars compared to your beloved Bill Clinton. He is the main reason that we have to lie as much as we do. That's the legacy he left us. As for the most crooked regime, that just shows you don't know anything. Everybody knows that Andrew Jackson was the most crooked. Andrew Jackson, then Clinton, then us. You goofy looking ignoramous."

"You can't even make any middle class jobs."

"Ooooh... your hair looks silly."

"MaCain likes me better."

"Ooooh... you've got Botox in your face. And before we're finished with you, the whole country's going to know about it."


2004, Mark Hoback