Bush Brings Smile to Millions of American Faces

President Bush today surprised and delighted lots of ordinary Americans just like you and me when he issued a rare presidential pardon for Dale Earnhardt Jr.

Earnhardt was fined $10,000 and 25 NASCAR points earlier this month for using the word 'shit'. Under the NASCAR ranking system, those twenty-five points will drop Earnhardt to second place, and could cost him up to five million dollars in lost revenue. Don't ask me how this works. I'm not interested enough to find out.

The president, however, is. "It's just wrong, it sends the wrong message to Americans, that one little slip of the tongue could cost a man so much. Dale raced hard - real hard - to earn those points. I think we need to take a real close look at the context here. Dale was honoring his father with these remarks. When they asked him how he felt about winning Talladega - and I was watching at home, it was one jimbang of a race - he said 'Well it don't mean shit right now, Daddy's done won here 10 times so, I gotta do more winnin'".

"And that was the respectful use of the word shit. It's not like he told the reporter that he was full of shit. That would've been wrong and vulgar. And it's not like he said, hey, get out of my way, I gotta take a shit. That would have been real crude, and the FCC doesn't cater to that. He used the word respectfully. So that's why a NASCAR loving chief executive such as myself is proud and happy to announce today a full presidential pardon for the boy, and we're giving him all his points back, plus fifteen extra points as thanks from a race lovin' nation."


2004, Mark Hoback