Dear Osama,

Just wanted to drop you a note thanking you for your words of support today. These are very difficult times in Iraq and your encouragement is much appreciated.

 Were we ever surprised here at the palace to hear your voice again! We were all convinced that you were, uh, well remember that joke that was going around after you reduced the twin towers of evil to smoking rubble? What’s the difference between Elvis and Osama Bin Laden? Osama is a dead man! Let me tell you, laughter rocked all of Baghdad when we heard that one, not because we wished you harm, but because even the man in the streets of Ar Rutbah knows that the decadent Presley infidel has long been pushing up daisies.

I did want to ask you about some of your comments. For example, "Anyone who helps America, from the Iraqi hypocrites or Arab rulers ... whoever fights with them or offers them bases or administrative assistance, or any kind of support or help, even if only with words, to kill Muslims in Iraq, should know that he is an apostate." That’s a little inflammatory, don’t you think? I mean, you guys kill apostates, and I know your faith is very important to you, and all that, but I dunno, as long as these folks aren’t threatening me in anyway, I tend to leave them alone. But I do get your point. One minute they’re an apostate, next thing you know they’re an infidel, and before you can say ‘Mohammed Messenger of Allah’, they’re trying to bring down the government.

And what about this bit: "We advise about the importance of drawing the enemy into long, close and tiring fighting taking advantage of camouflaged positions in plains, farms, mountains and cities.” Osama, Osama, Osama. One wonders whether you have ever attended a motion picture. We have no plains nor farms nor mountains. We have cities and sand. Period. We have tried the camouflage, but let me tell you, The Republican Guard wants nothing to do with those tan uniforms.

At any rate, Osama, I would really prefer if you didn’t bring my name up at all until the current crisis has passed. I know you see this whole mess as a class of the cultures, but me, I’m just trying to make it till the next payday.

Keep your head down,


©2003, Mark Hoback