|The Windshield Cowboy
As part of his national Manly Man '04 fundraising tour, President Bush stopped by the ProRodeo tour in Houston yesterday, and unveiled some of his newest one-liners. "I thought there was a lot of bull in Washington," he said, petting the head of a female bull.
"So why don't you get the fuck out then?," heckled a liberal cowlesbian, before being hogtied by Billy Joe Bob Leroy Tucker, world champion hog-tier.
Bush, who kicked off the Manly Man tour by waving the starting flag at this years Daytona 500, consented to a brief interview with Kelly Donaldson of Houston's all news radio station, KROB. In it, he discussed other manly things he intends to do during his tour.
Kelly: So glad to meet you, Mister President. I must say, you really are a man's man.
Bush: I got a pair of big ol brass balls, Kelly. If I wore boxers instead of briefs, you could hear em clang.
Kelly: Dang, Mister President. I bet I could. We've always heard that the size of your testicles was quite impressive.
Bush: They sure are, Kelly. Used to fly fighter jets. Uh-huh. Ask me how fast I used to fly them.
Kelly: How fast did you used to fly them, Mister President?
Bush: Fast Kelly, real, real, fast.
Kelly: Wow, That is so fast. I know you wanted to talk a little about your Manly Man tour... What's next for you?
Bush: Sure you don't want to talk about my cojones anymore, Kelly?
Kelly: I'm sure.
Bush: Well, I'm gonna be referee at the next WWF Smackdown. I'm tempted to climb into the steel cage, but national security, ya know. People probably don't know this about me, but I love wrasslin. Just like all the good people of this country, the ones outside of the beltway. They love it. Course I guess most manly men love some wrasslin'. Whup! Thud! You outta here! Uh-oh, broke your spine!
Kelly: Really? Who is your favorite wrestler?
Bush: All of em. Specially that one with the mask. I hate that Iron Sheik, though. Is he still around? Heh, heh, just kidding. He's in Guantanamo.
Kelly: Mmm. What else is on deck?
Bush: Me and Rummy and some of the boys in the cabinet are gonna do a tour of all the Washington titty bars. Meet and greet. See all the regular folks inside of the beltway, ya know, there are some regular folks, we need to talk to them too, but what I know daggone good and sure is that the liberals are scared of titty bars. Real manly men aren't. They love 'em.
Kelly: But, weren't you outraged a few weeks ago when Janet Jackson showed her, uh, breast on national TV?
Bush: I sure as hell was! That was government funded national television where women and children could see it. That's a crime. But titty bars are different. They're just for real men trying to relax after working hard all day tryin to make a decent living in a rugged economy which I inherited from Eddie Haskel, I mean Bill Clinton, and by god, I'm just about to turn it around. I will, too. People just want to see some titties. And Bush! That's me, I gotta say. They named a beer after me. I'm vamping here. Manly men accomplish what they set out to do. Another couple of years, whoo-hoo, good times. I mean the economy. All right? You're a girl, aren't you?
Kelly: Okay, then. When you...
Bush: Don't interrupt me, Kelly. I was trying to make a point about titty bars.
Kelly: Go ahead.
Bush: I can't. Lost my train of thought. It was somethin about nipples.
Bush: You medias are all the same... Can't keep your mouth shut...
Kelly: We're just about out of time, Mister President. Any final words?
Bush: I'd just like to challenge my
candidate... my, uh, that guy, my opponent in the Demoncratic party to try
to outmanly me. Bring it on. We'll clear some bush. Heh heh. You know,
useless trees, that are on your... my property. Got bugs all over 'em. And
stuff. That's why we gotta clear 'em, but bring em on. Let's see who the
manliest man is. And God Bless America.
©2004, Mark Hoback