Team Bush Shuts Down Mountain of Fear

The Department of Homeland Security has lowered the terror alert level for Mount St. Helens from red down to yellow, saying the administration had effectively lowered the earthquake activity to the lowest level since before the volcano started venting last week

Mount St. Helens was downgraded from "volcano alert" to a "volcano advisory," indicating that maybe it was still a volcano and maybe it was not. If it was indeed a volcano it could potentially endanger lives and destroy property, but if it's just a plain old mountain it's no real threat, unless, of course, if it's harboring coal.

White House Spokesman Scott McClellan said at a briefing that Mount St. Helens had indeed been a "volcano of molten terror", but that steady and forceful action by the Bush administration had contained and neutralized the threat. The method used to stop the volcanic action is classified, but may be revealed at a later time if it seems that it could prove helpful in any manner.

McClellan added "One shudders to think what could happen if citizens do not choose wisely on November 2nd. These things can and will try to hit us again. A Kerry administration could leave us languishing in lava, up to our asses with ashes."

Presidential hopeful John Kerry wasted no time in saying that a Kerry administration could be counted on to "put America first, and hunt volcanoes down where they live and kill them."


2004, Mark Hoback