Rumsfeld: ‘Osama Does Not Exist’

Secretary of Defense Donald H Rumsfeld stunned the nation with his statement yesterday at the Pentagon that Osama Bin Laden does not exist.

“I think that you have to keep in mind that we are living through extraordinary times, and extraordinary actions must sometime be taken. After the extraordinary events of September 11, 2001, our citizens needed a focus, and we helped them out with the visual effects. People said ‘What is the face of pure evil’, and we said, well, it looks a little something like this.”

“If you take a good look at any of the purported photographs of Bin Laden, you can tell that they are really a composite of various evil people from the past. We threw in a little Hitler, some Charlie Manson, and a good healthy dose of Rasputin. Just an aside, but the Commander in Chief happens to feel that Rasputin is about the scariest man that ever lived. There’s a little Lenin, a little Lennon, some Ted Bundy, some Al Bundy, and just a smidgen of Jimmy Carter. We don’t really consider Carter evil, we just threw that in to soften things up. If you look at the ears, you’ll find that they are very similar to those of a certain Baghdad butcher. That’s your Saddam-Osama connection right there.”

“Look, you need a face for these things, and Osama Bin Laden is the face of terror. People understand this on a visceral level, a symbolic level, and it’s important that we make the connection for them. Take Santa Clause. Santa Clause is the symbol of Christmas, he personifies what Christmas is all about. Would you say that Santa Clause doesn’t exist? I think we’ve all seen that movie before. Of course, he exists. Can we hunt him down and stick him in a cage? No, no we can’t.”

As to why he chose to reveal this information now, Rumsfeld explained, “He is becoming a hindrance to our efforts, this imaginary evil one. People, some of them with good intentions, keep asking us, ‘Why are you moving against Iraq when you haven’t been able to stop Osama Bin Laden and the al-Qaeda?’ I’m here to say that we’ve stopped virtually all of the al-Qaeda. We can’t stop Osama, obviously, since he does not exist.”

When General Roland Miles interrupted to state that “Bin Laden has been around for quite a while,” Rumsfeld smiled and replied “So have I, General. So have I.”


©2003, Mark Hoback