Following is an updated translation of Osama bin Laden's message as aired on the al Jazeera satellite network.

Testing, testing… Is this thing on? Hey, somebody bring me a cup of green tea before I get started… my throat is really killing me.

In the name of Allah, the merciful and the compassionate, a message to our brothers in Iraq.

Howdy, all you who believe in Allah and worship him as he deserves and do not die unless you are Muslims. Uh, that doesn’t make any sense at all. Mohamedamnit, find me a new speech writer.

We are following with great interest and utmost concern the preparations by the crusaders to occupy the capital of Islam formally and to rob the wealth of Muslims and to appoint over you an agent government that follows Washington and Tel Aviv, like all other treacherous and spy Arab governments, in preparation for the founding of the greater Israel. Merciful heavens, what a load of crap. Are we taping? May Allah just shoot us.

We wish to stress on the threshold of this war, the war of the infidels and disbelievers, which the U.S. is launching with a number of its allies and agents. Now come on, Mohamedamnit, that’s not even a complete sentence. We wish to stress what?

First, the sincerity of intentions for the fighting should be for the sake of Allah only, no other, and not for the victory of national minorities or for the aid of the infidel regimes in all Arab countries, including Iraq. Although Iraq, is certainly less infidelish than a number of countries I could mention. Take Syria. No, seriously, take it. Allah Almighty said those who believe fight for the sake of Allah and those who did not believe fight for the sake of the Devil. So fight the allies of the Devil for the Devil is weak.

Second, we remind that victory comes from Allah Almighty alone, and we only have to do our best through preparations and incitement and jihad. Allah Almighty said, “I bind you by grave injunctions of magic from the river, back to the river, may you fall in a nettle patch, may savage dogs eat you one foot on a mountain.” And we should hurry to repent to Allah from our sins, especially the biggest sins. I myself have a sin which is bigger than a breadbox.

As the prophet - peace be upon him - said, "Avoid the seven big sins; not believing in Allah, magic, killing of souls that God forbid unless you are righteously pissed, taking interest in those internet sites that show women with camels, taking the money of the orphan without fondling him first, and accusing unwittingly pious Muslim women of sins such as laying with camels." That is agreed to. And also, the rest of the big sins, such as adultery and alcohol and crack and onanism and the playing of music by boy bands and disobeying the parents and giving false testimony. There are quite a few more. For the complete list, visit www.osama.com. We should rush to obey Allah in general, especially to mention Allah at the time when the armies meet. Because we’ll probably meet him in person shortly thereafter.

Abu-Adarda may Allah bless him, said, "May the seven terriers of hell sit on the spool of your breast and bark in at your soul-case." I have no idea what he meant by those words.

Third, it became [coughing spell] it became apparent to us through our defense and fighting of the American enemy that it relies mainly in war on the psychological war, given its huge media machine as embodied by the lurking form of Bill O’Reilly, and reliance on air strike to hide its main weak points, which are fear and cowardice and absence of the fighting spirit among American soldiers. These infidels show their cowardice by their insistence of attacking from the air, as opposed to the noble but decadent French, who fight with their feet. Those soldiers are completely convinced about the injustice of their government and its lies, and they lack a fair cause to fight for. And they are rather fighting for the capitalist and interest hoarding Jews, and their friends and associates, the weapons and oil merchants, including the criminal gang at the White House, which harbors crusader hatreds and personal hatreds from Bush the father, Bush the son, and Bush the wholly ghost.

It's also become apparent to us that the most effective way to empty the air power of its contents is by establishing trenches that are covered and camouflaged in large numbers. There we can hide ourselves like pigs in blankets.

I have previously pointed out last year in the Tora Bora video, that great film in which the power of belief overcame the material power of evil by holding fast to the principles of Allah Almighty. What did I just say? Mohamedamnit, I’ve lost my place, and someone has spilled coffee all over my notes. Heads will roll, I will promise you that. Is there one other great leader other than myself who is forced to work without cue cards? Stop the tape!

[pause]

As I was saying, praise be to the prophet, our number were at least 300 mujahideen – that’s gibberish for valiant soldiers of Mohammed. We dug 100 trenches spread over one square mile at the rate of one trench per cubit to avoid incurring injuries from the strikes. Thus it was our plan to hide beneath the shelter of Allah’s soil and thusly befuddle our enemies.

And our centers were targeted from the first hour of the American strike on the 20th, the year 1422 Hegira, or corresponding to October 7th, 2001. We were subjected to intense strikes and then it continued intermittently all the time until the middle of Ramadama, and after that, on the morning of the 12 in Ramadama, and then the afternoon of the 13, and pretty much all day on the 14, intensive air strikes began after the American leader was certain that Al Qaeda elements were in Tora Bora, including this humble servant, Bernie – take a bow Bernie, and that rebel fighter Dr. Aminizara… let me share a little story about Dr. Aminiazra… I went to see Dr. Aminizara the other day. I said, 'Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?' He said, 'I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect.' Bada Bing.

Wherein in the Pentagon, command center, devoted with all its allied forces, was determined with all its allied forces to blow up this tiny spot and annihilate it with all its allied forces. So the airplanes poured fire over us, especially after they ended their mission in Afghanistan. The American airplanes hit us with smart bombs and heavy bombs, and string bombs, and also used bombs that penetrated caves and also bombers like B-52. The circuits were two hours over our heads, and each time fired 20 to 30 bombs. And the C-130 airplanes bombed us with carpet bombs and other murderous bombs.  Did I mention that the allied forces bombed us? Yes they did. Bombed the hell out of us.

Hold on, I know that this is a long story, all praise to Allah, but it is coming to a point. There are infidels who will claim with deadened tongues that  I do not support my brother Saddam. This is false witness – he’s my nigga. There’s no way I could have pulled off the 911 toppling of the towers of the devil without his help. And just yesterday he told me that if he could hold off the allied forces for another six weeks, he would be able to supply me with bountiful baggies of anthrax and  botulism. This story is for him, so that he may dig many trenches in the sand, and rise up in glorious victory.

Despite this tremendous bombing, which was coupled with the outrageous media campaign conducted by the lurking man-beast Bill O’Reilly – who we must confess came closer than American bombs to defeating us, we managed to confront all their daily attacks, thanks be to Allah’s trenches, and we forced them back each time defeated, carrying their dead tired trigger fingers and injured pride with them.

Despite all that, the American forces did not dare to invade our location, which was a tiny plot of only a mile, but filled with trenches and righteousness. So what clearer proof is there to their cowardice and fear and lies and their alleged [coughing fit] …where was I?

Oh yes, the glorious battle and the miracle of the trenches. The conclusion of the battle was the great and miserable failure of the forces of evil over a small group of mujahideen, a group of 300 in Allah’s sacred trenches, which, as I can’t emphasize strongly enough, was inside one square mile, at a temperature that was 10 degrees below 0. It was so cold that I saw a decadent American lawyer with his hands in his own pockets. The result of the battle was the death of a few of us, 6 percent approximately. That would be 18 glorious warriors. We prayed that Allah will accept them as martyrs. He said okay. And as for our injuries in the trenches, it was at the rate of 2 percent, or six glorious warriors, thanks be to Allah.

So if all the international forces of evil could not achieve its goals over one little itsy bitsy tiny teeny weenie square mile and a small number of mujahideen with very humble capabilities, how can these evil forces achieve victory over the Islamic world? This is impossible, Allah willing, and [coughing fit] Mohamedamnit, I’m dying in here. Bernie, more tea!

So our brother fighters in Iraq, home of my brother fighter in international terrorism Saddam Hussein, do not be scared by what Americans promote about the greatness of its forces and the smartness of their bombs and laser-guided bombs, for smart bombs have no mentionable effect in the middle of mountains and trenches and plains and forests. Especially trenches. They must have an obvious target. They are useless against the unsmart.

Let me ramble on about the trenches, for that is where our glory shall reside. As for the trenches, they are well camouflaged, and neither smart bombs nor dumb bombs will be able to get them unless by haphazard bombing which squanders the ammunition of the enemy and its money. So use trenches. As Amar, may peace be upon him, said, " the world will see that they won't have a days luck and will disappear like the froth of the river."

That is, take the land as a shield, and embed it with many fine trenches, for that is sufficient to exhaust the ammunition of the enemy within a few months. Unless, of course, they go nuclear on you. As for the daily fight, then it's something that can be easily dealt with. We shall do the Antler Dance, and befuddle the bullets of our enemies.

What the enemy fears most is the war of cities and streets, that war that the enemy expects tremendous, grave losses in. If we dig trenches in the city streets, we will live to see victory against these evil enemy forces. For those of you who wish for extra credit, we also stress the importance of suicide operations against the enemy, those operations that cause so much harm to the enemy in the U.S. and Israel and they have never seen anything like them in their history, thanks be to Allah. Umm. Was that right? Should I be thanking Allah? … they have never seen anything like them in their history, thanks be to Allah. Just doesn’t sound right to me. Praise be to Allah. Yeah. Praise be to Allah.

We also stress that anyone who assists the U.S. from among the Iraqi hypocrites or Arab rulers, or those who accept their actions and follow them in their crusader war, whether by fighting with them or through providing administrative support or any other form of support or help, even verbal, to kill Muslims in Iraq, they should know that they are stinking infidels deviating from their religion and their blood is sanctioned and we know where they live.

Allah Almighty said, " No butter be on your milk nor on your ducks a web. May your child not walk and your cow be flayed. And may the flame be bigger and wider which will go through your soul than the Connemara mountains if they were on fire." Allah doesn't guide unjust people.

We also stress as strongly as possible that Muslims have to move and incite and organize the nation into armies of righteousness to face these great events and harsh conditions from within their urban trenches, as well as the trenches in the sand and mountains, and to liberate themselves from the slavery of these unjust and infidel regimes enslaved by the U.S. From among the most ready for liberation are Jordan, Morocco, Nigeria, Pakistan, Indonesia, France, Libya, Syria, Saudi Arabia, Germany and Yemen.

The Muslims in general and my very special friends the Iraqis in particular have to prepare for jihad against this unjust campaign, and have to make sure to load up on ammunition and weapons and shovels, for that is their duty.

Allah Almighty said, "The curse of the wretched and the strong on the one who gave Tattheration to him for a mule."

The infidels wish you would forget about your weapons and your belongings so that they can launch an all-out attack on them. On you. Ha! They’re like that, those filthy infidels. May they be afflicted with the itch and have no nails to scratch with!

It's known that fighting to achieve victory for the infidels is not permissible. I don’t know where I heard this factual piece of information, but I assure you that it is true. And you know the Muslim's belief should be clear when fighting that it should be for the sake of Allah. As the prophet, peace be upon him, said, "Whoever put me into impotent grief and took my white tom-cat in secret from me, may the mice come in waves as his company and the rats from the kiln give him the pursuit."

And it doesn't harm in these conditions the interest of Muslims to agree with those of the socialists in fighting against the crusaders, even though we believe the socialists are infidels. For the socialists and the rulers have lost their legitimacy a long time ago, and the socialists are infidels regardless of where they are, whether in Baghdad or in Baghdad. I have no idea whatsoever what my point was supposed to be.

And this fighting about to take place resembles the fight with the Romans earlier – I’m sure you remember it - and the collusion of interest doesn't harm much either, for the Muslims' fight against the Romans was due to the collusion of the interests with the Persians. And as our legends oft reveal, we kicked some Persian ass, even though we were contained in an area of only one square mile.

Before concluding, we stress the importance of optimism and keeping good spirits, and warn against pessimism and dejection and fear. Whenever I feel afraid, I hold my head erect, and whistle a happy tune, so no one will suspect
I'm afraid. The prophet said, "
May every day of it be wet for ye." And he also said, " You will go and live always in that place where the fishes and sprats live"

It was mentioned in The King and I that a man told Herod on the day of the Armuk  battle how numerous are the Romans and how few are the Muslims. So Herod told him, " May the entrails and mansion of pleasure out of this worm fall out."

So let the words of Allah be before your eyes: "May the devil damn you to the stone of dirges or to the well of ashes seven miles below hell and may the devil break your bones."

In conclusion, I advise you and myself to be pious to Allah and [coughing fit], and, uh, to be patient and persevere in the jihad so the victory is patient for one hour. And I also advise myself and you to mention Allah and pray to him. Allah Almighty said, "A pigs snout on him and the mouth of a sheep, a beak of a duck that could dredge in the sludge, lest he be a hangman that would hang the people." So spoke the prophet.

Oh Allah, the sender of the book and mover of the clouds and digger of the trenches, defeat them. Let us be victorious and let us be victorious over them. Let us be victorious and let us be victorious over them. Oh, sorry, typo. Let us be victorious and let us be victorious over them. Oh, sorry, typo. Let us be victorious and let us be victorious over them. Mohamedamnit! Bring me the head of the speechwriter.

And as Allah said,  “May your hens take the disorder, your cows the crippen and your calves the white scour. May yourself go stone-blind so that you will not know your wife from a hay-stack." And may Allah have peace upon his prophet, Mohammed.

Goodnight folks. Sleep tight.

[coughing fit]

 

© 2003, Mark Hoback