Following is an updated translation of Osama bin Laden's
message as aired on the al Jazeera satellite network.
Testing, testing… Is
this thing on? Hey, somebody bring me a cup of green tea
before I get started… my throat is really killing me.
In the name of
Allah, the merciful and the compassionate, a message to
our brothers in Iraq.
Howdy, all you who
believe in Allah and worship him as he deserves and do
not die unless you are Muslims. Uh, that doesn’t make
any sense at all. Mohamedamnit, find me a new speech
We are following
with great interest and utmost concern the preparations
by the crusaders to occupy the capital of Islam formally
and to rob the wealth of Muslims and to appoint over you
an agent government that follows Washington and Tel
Aviv, like all other treacherous and spy Arab
governments, in preparation for the founding of the
greater Israel. Merciful heavens, what a load of crap.
Are we taping? May Allah just shoot us.
We wish to stress on
the threshold of this war, the war of the infidels and
disbelievers, which the U.S. is launching with a number
of its allies and agents. Now come on, Mohamedamnit,
that’s not even a complete sentence. We wish to stress
First, the sincerity
of intentions for the fighting should be for the sake of
Allah only, no other, and not for the victory of
national minorities or for the aid of the infidel
regimes in all Arab countries, including Iraq. Although
Iraq, is certainly less infidelish than a number of
countries I could mention. Take Syria. No, seriously,
take it. Allah Almighty said those who believe fight for
the sake of Allah and those who did not believe fight
for the sake of the Devil. So fight the allies of the
Devil for the Devil is weak.
Second, we remind
that victory comes from Allah Almighty alone, and we
only have to do our best through preparations and
incitement and jihad. Allah Almighty said, “I bind you
by grave injunctions of magic from the river, back to
the river, may you fall in a nettle patch, may savage
dogs eat you one foot on a mountain.” And we should
hurry to repent to Allah from our sins, especially the
biggest sins. I myself have a sin which is bigger than a
As the prophet -
peace be upon him - said, "Avoid the seven big sins; not
believing in Allah, magic, killing of souls that God
forbid unless you are righteously pissed, taking
interest in those internet sites that show women with
camels, taking the money of the orphan without fondling
him first, and accusing unwittingly pious Muslim women
of sins such as laying with camels." That is agreed to.
And also, the rest of the big sins, such as adultery and
alcohol and crack and onanism and the playing of music
by boy bands and disobeying the parents and giving false
testimony. There are quite a few more. For the complete
www.osama.com. We should rush to obey Allah in
general, especially to mention Allah at the time when
the armies meet. Because we’ll probably meet him in
person shortly thereafter.
Abu-Adarda may Allah
bless him, said, "May the seven terriers of hell sit on
the spool of your breast and bark in at your soul-case."
I have no idea what he meant by those words.
Third, it became
[coughing spell] it became apparent to us through our
defense and fighting of the American enemy that it
relies mainly in war on the psychological war, given its
huge media machine as embodied by the lurking form of
Bill O’Reilly, and reliance on air strike to hide its
main weak points, which are fear and cowardice and
absence of the fighting spirit among American soldiers.
These infidels show their cowardice by their insistence
of attacking from the air, as opposed to the noble but
decadent French, who fight with their feet. Those
soldiers are completely convinced about the injustice of
their government and its lies, and they lack a fair
cause to fight for. And they are rather fighting for the
capitalist and interest hoarding Jews, and their friends
and associates, the weapons and oil merchants, including
the criminal gang at the White House, which harbors
crusader hatreds and personal hatreds from Bush the
father, Bush the son, and Bush the wholly ghost.
It's also become
apparent to us that the most effective way to empty the
air power of its contents is by establishing trenches
that are covered and camouflaged in large numbers. There
we can hide ourselves like pigs in blankets.
I have previously
pointed out last year in the Tora Bora video, that great
film in which the power of belief overcame the material
power of evil by holding fast to the principles of Allah
Almighty. What did I just say? Mohamedamnit, I’ve lost
my place, and someone has spilled coffee all over my
notes. Heads will roll, I will promise you that. Is
there one other great leader other than myself who is
forced to work without cue cards? Stop the tape!
As I was saying,
praise be to the prophet, our number were at least 300
mujahideen – that’s gibberish for valiant soldiers of
Mohammed. We dug 100 trenches spread over one square
mile at the rate of one trench per cubit to avoid
incurring injuries from the strikes. Thus it was our
plan to hide beneath the shelter of Allah’s soil and
thusly befuddle our enemies.
And our centers were
targeted from the first hour of the American strike on
the 20th, the year 1422 Hegira, or corresponding to
October 7th, 2001. We were subjected to intense strikes
and then it continued intermittently all the time until
the middle of Ramadama, and after that, on the morning
of the 12 in Ramadama, and then the afternoon of the 13,
and pretty much all day on the 14, intensive air strikes
began after the American leader was certain that Al
Qaeda elements were in Tora Bora, including this humble
servant, Bernie – take a bow Bernie, and that rebel
fighter Dr. Aminizara… let me share a little story about
Dr. Aminiazra… I went to see Dr. Aminizara the other
day. I said, 'Doctor, every morning when I get up and
look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong
with me?' He said, 'I don't know, but your eyesight is
perfect.' Bada Bing.
Wherein in the
Pentagon, command center, devoted with all its allied
forces, was determined with all its allied forces to
blow up this tiny spot and annihilate it with all its
allied forces. So the airplanes poured fire over us,
especially after they ended their mission in
Afghanistan. The American airplanes hit us with smart
bombs and heavy bombs, and string bombs, and also used
bombs that penetrated caves and also bombers like B-52.
The circuits were two hours over our heads, and each
time fired 20 to 30 bombs. And the C-130 airplanes
bombed us with carpet bombs and other murderous bombs.
Did I mention that the allied forces bombed us? Yes they
did. Bombed the hell out of us.
Hold on, I know that
this is a long story, all praise to Allah, but it is
coming to a point. There are infidels who will claim
with deadened tongues that I do not support my brother
Saddam. This is false witness – he’s my nigga. There’s
no way I could have pulled off the 911 toppling of the
towers of the devil without his help. And just yesterday
he told me that if he could hold off the allied forces
for another six weeks, he would be able to supply me
with bountiful baggies of anthrax and botulism. This
story is for him, so that he may dig many trenches in
the sand, and rise up in glorious victory.
tremendous bombing, which was coupled with the
outrageous media campaign conducted by the lurking
man-beast Bill O’Reilly – who we must confess came
closer than American bombs to defeating us, we managed
to confront all their daily attacks, thanks be to
Allah’s trenches, and we forced them back each time
defeated, carrying their dead tired trigger fingers and
injured pride with them.
Despite all that,
the American forces did not dare to invade our location,
which was a tiny plot of only a mile, but filled with
trenches and righteousness. So what clearer proof is
there to their cowardice and fear and lies and their
alleged [coughing fit] …where was I?
Oh yes, the glorious
battle and the miracle of the trenches. The conclusion
of the battle was the great and miserable failure of the
forces of evil over a small group of mujahideen, a group
of 300 in Allah’s sacred trenches, which, as I can’t
emphasize strongly enough, was inside one square mile,
at a temperature that was 10 degrees below 0. It was so
cold that I saw a decadent American lawyer with his
hands in his own pockets. The result of the battle was
the death of a few of us, 6 percent approximately. That
would be 18 glorious warriors. We prayed that Allah will
accept them as martyrs. He said okay. And as for our
injuries in the trenches, it was at the rate of 2
percent, or six glorious warriors, thanks be to Allah.
So if all the
international forces of evil could not achieve its goals
over one little itsy bitsy tiny teeny weenie square mile
and a small number of mujahideen with very humble
capabilities, how can these evil forces achieve victory
over the Islamic world? This is impossible, Allah
willing, and [coughing fit] Mohamedamnit, I’m dying in
here. Bernie, more tea!
So our brother
fighters in Iraq, home of my brother fighter in
international terrorism Saddam Hussein, do not be scared
by what Americans promote about the greatness of its
forces and the smartness of their bombs and laser-guided
bombs, for smart bombs have no mentionable effect in the
middle of mountains and trenches and plains and forests.
Especially trenches. They must have an obvious target.
They are useless against the unsmart.
Let me ramble on
about the trenches, for that is where our glory shall
reside. As for the trenches, they are well camouflaged,
and neither smart bombs nor dumb bombs will be able to
get them unless by haphazard bombing which squanders the
ammunition of the enemy and its money. So use trenches.
As Amar, may peace be upon him, said, "
the world will see that
they won't have a days luck and will disappear like the
froth of the river."
That is, take the
land as a shield, and embed it with many fine trenches,
for that is sufficient to exhaust the ammunition of the
enemy within a few months. Unless, of course, they go
nuclear on you. As for the daily fight, then it's
something that can be easily dealt with. We shall do the
Antler Dance, and befuddle the bullets of our enemies.
What the enemy fears
most is the war of cities and streets, that war that the
enemy expects tremendous, grave losses in. If we dig
trenches in the city streets, we will live to see
victory against these evil enemy forces. For those of
you who wish for extra credit, we also stress the
importance of suicide operations against the enemy,
those operations that cause so much harm to the enemy in
the U.S. and Israel and they have never seen anything
like them in their history, thanks be to Allah. Umm. Was
that right? Should I be thanking Allah? … they have
never seen anything like them in their history, thanks
be to Allah. Just doesn’t sound right to me. Praise be
to Allah. Yeah. Praise be to Allah.
We also stress that
anyone who assists the U.S. from among the Iraqi
hypocrites or Arab rulers, or those who accept their
actions and follow them in their crusader war, whether
by fighting with them or through providing
administrative support or any other form of support or
help, even verbal, to kill Muslims in Iraq, they should
know that they are stinking infidels deviating from
their religion and their blood is sanctioned and we know
where they live.
Allah Almighty said,
butter be on your milk nor on your ducks a web. May your
child not walk and your cow be flayed. And may the flame
be bigger and wider which will go through your soul than
the Connemara mountains if they were on fire." Allah
doesn't guide unjust people.
We also stress as
strongly as possible that Muslims have to move and
incite and organize the nation into armies of
righteousness to face these great events and harsh
conditions from within their urban trenches, as well as
the trenches in the sand and mountains, and to liberate
themselves from the slavery of these unjust and infidel
regimes enslaved by the U.S. From among the most ready
for liberation are Jordan, Morocco, Nigeria, Pakistan,
Indonesia, France, Libya, Syria, Saudi Arabia, Germany
The Muslims in
general and my very special friends the Iraqis in
particular have to prepare for jihad against this unjust
campaign, and have to make sure to load up on ammunition
and weapons and shovels, for that is their duty.
Allah Almighty said,
"The curse of the wretched and the strong on the one who
gave Tattheration to him for a mule."
infidels wish you would forget about your weapons and
your belongings so that they can launch an all-out
attack on them. On you. Ha! They’re like that, those
filthy infidels. May they be afflicted with the itch and
have no nails to scratch with!
It's known that
fighting to achieve victory for the infidels is not
permissible. I don’t know where I heard this factual
piece of information, but I assure you that it is true.
And you know the Muslim's belief should be clear when
fighting that it should be for the sake of Allah. As the
prophet, peace be upon him, said, "Whoever put me into
impotent grief and took my white tom-cat in secret from
me, may the mice come in waves as his company and the
rats from the kiln give him the pursuit."
And it doesn't harm
in these conditions the interest of Muslims to agree
with those of the socialists in fighting against the
crusaders, even though we believe the socialists are
infidels. For the socialists and the rulers have lost
their legitimacy a long time ago, and the socialists are
infidels regardless of where they are, whether in
Baghdad or in Baghdad. I have no idea whatsoever what my
point was supposed to be.
And this fighting
about to take place resembles the fight with the Romans
earlier – I’m sure you remember it - and the collusion
of interest doesn't harm much either, for the Muslims'
fight against the Romans was due to the collusion of the
interests with the Persians. And as our legends oft
reveal, we kicked some Persian ass, even though we were
contained in an area of only one square mile.
we stress the importance of optimism and keeping good
spirits, and warn against pessimism and dejection and
fear. Whenever I feel afraid, I hold my head erect, and
whistle a happy tune, so no one will suspect
I'm afraid. The prophet said, "
May every day of it be
wet for ye." And he also said, "
You will go and live
always in that place where the fishes and sprats live"
It was mentioned in
The King and I that a man told Herod on the day of the
Armuk battle how numerous are the Romans and how few
are the Muslims. So Herod told him, "
May the entrails and
mansion of pleasure out of this worm fall out."
So let the words of
Allah be before your eyes: "May the devil damn you to
the stone of dirges or to the well of ashes seven miles
below hell and may the devil break your bones."
In conclusion, I
advise you and myself to be pious to Allah and [coughing
fit], and, uh, to be patient and persevere in the jihad
so the victory is patient for one hour. And I also
advise myself and you to mention Allah and pray to him.
Allah Almighty said, "A pigs snout on him and the mouth
of a sheep, a beak of a duck that could dredge in the
sludge, lest he be a hangman that would hang the
people." So spoke the prophet.
Oh Allah, the sender
of the book and mover of the clouds and digger of the
trenches, defeat them. Let us be victorious and let us
be victorious over them. Let us be victorious and let us
be victorious over them. Oh, sorry, typo. Let us be
victorious and let us be victorious over them. Oh,
sorry, typo. Let us be victorious and let us be
victorious over them. Mohamedamnit! Bring me the head of
And as Allah said,
your hens take the disorder, your cows the crippen and
your calves the white scour. May yourself go stone-blind
so that you will not know your wife from a hay-stack."
And may Allah have peace upon his prophet, Mohammed.