Private Tour

I see that you're looking at my slinky. Go ahead, you can play with it. Pretty cool, eh? That's the 'presidential slinky'. Made it just for me. It's extra big, see, 50% longer than an ordinary slinky. Made out of that shiny metal that turns all different colors when you electrocute it - what's that called? Titanium. I think it's called titanium. You got to admit, that's one handsome slinky.

What do you think of these busts? They look just like the real thing, don't they... that one is of President Dwight D Eisenhower. Looks like it could reach right out and bite you, doesn't it.  I never met Ike, but my daddy did. Yeah... And that one over there, that is a famous English guy. See if you can guess who it is... You're absolutely right, it's Winston Churchill. Fabulous old guy. He once said "we shall fight them on the beaches, we shall fight them on the shore, we shall fight them in the fields and streams, we shall fight them in the city; we shall never surrender, never, never, never." Great speech. I never met the guy, but old Prescott did. Boy, that Prescott Bush really got around.

Over here, this is John F Kennedy's presidential hairbrush. See the seal? That's real gold. Pretty impressive, isn't it? I never met JFK, but we both have a lot of things in common. Pretty and elegant first ladies, for one, and a fondness for blueberry cobbler. Yeah, that's his original hair in there.

Now I'm gonna show you something real special. I think you'll get a kick out of this. Here. Heh, heh, settle down, I'm not going to shoot you, heh, heh. But guess what this is? Yeah, I know it's a pistol, but guess who it belonged to. No, not Bill Clinton. Guess again. No, not Robert Blake. Guess again... No, forget it, you're never gonna guess right. It belonged to that madman, Hussein. Saddam Insane, that's what I like to call him. Yeah, he had it down there in that spider hole with him. I don't know what he thought he was going to do with it; the darn thing was empty. Maybe he used up the bullets shooting spiders. That's certainly a possibility. I like to imagine that it was me that caught the madman. 'Hey Saddam, get your ass out of that spider hole, you evil madman. Throw the gun to me, and then crawl out slowly. Crawl like a worm, you worm." And then when he gets out, I give him a Texas-sized ass whipping.

Look at this. Where do you think this brick came from? No, not the World Trade Center - that metal cross over there comes from the Trade Center. This brick comes from another bad guy. This is part of Mohammad Omar's former house. It's a big old pile of rubble now. Hell, I have more of his house than he does. I gave one of these bricks to every member of my cabinet. Omar's a real bad guy. I never met him, but...

2004, Mark Hoback