Saddam Capture: 'Within the Next Nine Months'

Gen. Tommy Franks disclosed today that American authorities not only have DNA from Saddam Hussein and his sons, but that they have already embarked on preparations to clone the Butcher of Baghdad.

"Yes, it's true", Franks told CNN in a phone interview. "Of course we're not doing the procedure in the United States - that would clearly be illegal. But, as you know, some members of the Coalition of the Willing have no such legal restrictions, and they are as pleased as punch for our participation in this research. Project. Research project."

The whereabouts of Saddam's remains remains a maddening question, even though there are reports that a building collapsed on top of him last week. Franks, commander of the war effort that has displaced Saddam's government, said investigators armed with DNA samples could identify even fragmentary remains. He did not say how the DNA was obtained, but there are a number or rumors surrounding a blue dress.

"The problem is," Franks explained, "We are pretty darn certain that we have blown him to bits. Smithereens. Cosmic debris. Dust mites. That is not necessarily a bad thing, but the problem is obvious. How do we satisfactorily capture him? Are we going to hold a chunk of concrete up to the people of this country and say 'Here's a small swab of Saddam. We have finally captured the monster.' Okay, I'm a general, not a spin doctor, but I don't think that's going to wash with the American people."

"Now it should be obvious that if we can clone him, we can capture him. We just keep constant surveillance on the surrogate mother [ed: rumored to be an old French whore] and as soon as he's not an unborn anymore, we swoop in and take him alive. How could he hope to evade American troops - he'll just be a baby. A horrible, evil baby, that's true, but still not very mobile."


2003, Mark Hoback