Bush Calls for Exploration of the Sun

Stating that "it is not nearly as hot as a lot of nay-sayers would have you believe," President Bush today announced the first manned mission to the Sun.

Calling for an intensive research program to begin immediately, Bush said that the project would create thousands of new jobs and would not be the budget buster that some liberals have predicted.

"The budget will not be effected since we are, in fact, spending the social security trust fund. Not all of it, by any means. Not even half of it. Right about forty-five percent of it, and then there's a decimal point, but it rounds down to forty-five percent. Once we've successfully colonized the Sun, however, we intend to fully pay this money back, with interest. That's the right thing to do for tomorrow's seniors." 

Much of the logistics for the solar colony project will be provided by the Halliburton Corporation, who will receive compensation in the form of 'first technology dibs' upon completion of the planned solar energy pump. While the colonization project is targeting a 2010 launch date, the first solar pump is not expected to be completed until near the end of Bush's third term, in 2012. It is a worthy goal, claims the president.

"People forget just how important the Sun is. The moon doesn't hold a candle to the Sun. The moon is just a big round rock. Kinda pretty, but still a rock. A pretty, shiny rock. The Sun, on the other hand, is full of energy and natural goodness. The Sun, as my daughter Jena would say, is the bomb."

While most scientists say that the law of gravity will make a trip to the sun relatively easy, they believe that it could actually be many years before a ship could be built that would have the thrust necessary to make a return trip from the three billion degree hot spot.

"That's why we have to build a spacecraft that's extra entertaining, with lots of cool videos games and virtual sex partners," says Sunologist Paul Green of NASA. "We'll certainly try to build a ship that can return, but we told the president it goes in 2010, and a promise is a promise. But that doesn't mean that we're not going to keep our boys happy."

"As the world's only remaining superpower, I am convinced that America can accomplish anything that we set our minds to," said the president. "Today the sun, tomorrow Uranus."



2004, Mark Hoback